Okay – here’s my cards. I have reached boiling point and cried when confronted with the face of my old identity. My darkest secret surfaced through an unexpected moment and I had to finally face my demons and what’s held me in my own shadows for years. I spoke about my darkest conviction and I lost.
I lost the truth of the situation in my over analysis. I finally looked myself in the mirror and voiced what I told would never see the light of day and I was not as defective as I have done for 17 years. I cried and cried when I looked inwards and realized I had persecuted myself for years for something I did not do. For something that I misinterpreted and misconstrued. I built my walls so high that I didn’t think I deserved the life I had. I always kept my distance for the fear of consequence. But yesterday, I walked straight up to those walls and touched them only to realize it was an illusion. It was paper. I walked through it only to look back and wonder why I spent so many of my years confided to a small space. I told Liv, my wonderful, beautiful, unphrased fiancée, my deepest secret only for her to shine a torch on the shadows and show me it’s just my imagination. My overactive imagination that has tricked me into thinking that I was a monster. Liv simply guided me home. She did not kick me, hurt me, beat me, turn away from me. She did not leave me. She gave me the key to my padlocks and chains and I broke free. She blew me away with her empathy and understanding. She gave me the only thing I needed but couldn’t give myself….reason.
Today, I am different. I am processing my life. I am processing my ignorance. I am processing how I can make this better. I am trying to think about how I can make the last 17 years up to myself. All I can do is not leave today up to yesterday. I have to life my life. I need to stay and enjoy my life. No more punishment, no more excuses of why I do not deserve my life, no more self-hatred. The only thing I can do to say sorry is to move forward without the shadows. I need to stop carrying the fuel to the fire that has tarnished so many of my memories and achievements. I need to realize that I am not what I thought I was. I am just as average as the next but I can be the best that I can be if I stop being my own worst enemy. If I have learnt anything, it is that I make mistakes but I deserve happiness just as much as the next person. I am a good person and I am deserving of the life I have.
I have broken free and it feels so good.