So I have been away from my computer and I feel like I have done ten rounds with Mr. Tyson himself. I got sucked back into my dark place for a while. I lost my composure and my direction. I slipped back into my rabbit hole and I didn’t like it. It felt familiarly chaotic and I have built myself up so much to rid my face of that feeling. Chaos, disarray, havoc rolled in as the thunder pierced my eardrums and lightening blinded me. If there is one thing to know about it, its that I am afraid of the storm. When you hear the brontide in the distance, counting beats between eat roar of thunder and hungry for the bolts of lightening to grace the skies. I adore watching the clouds let rip on the Earth and pouring it’s anger onto us and I could watch the skeleton streaks take over the skies forever for I am a ceraunophile within the security of distance.
However, its when I am alone with my thoughts and you start to hear the rain pound against the window, getting harder by the second. Its when you see a flash of light but you doubt yourself into thinking it was the neighbours car lights until the crash of thunder controls the sound waves. Its when I go to the window to see the rain transform into hail and for a second it is beautiful. Its beautiful chaos in 4 dimensions. But then the fear sets in, I back away from the window and it takes me back to the car, the telephone pole, the tears in his eyes. It hit the wall behind me and I sink down wishing for the decibels to reduce and the epilepsy to stop. I feel as helpless as I did that night and I am alone and unable to ground myself. This is my hell. The storm rages on as a wage war with my ruminating thoughts. My life was a storm, with periods of exploding skies and the uncontrollable desire the scream when happiness was a nine letter word that sit behind the darkened skies. Now, I know that every person has a dark side. The side of us I know defines us and who who we truly are is portrayed within the willingness to embrace our deepest and wildest selves. This complete and authentic self is not found within the spotless life posted on social media or the disguised smiles in a 6″x 4″ photograph. And I know that I have walked through my worst storm with the experiences I have endured in my life. I have come along way since then but recently I felt the brontide and gotten scared of it’s power. However the difference now is that I know I am not defined by the storms I walked in. Transformation isn’t sweet and bright. Its a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A practice in facing your own created demons. A complete uprooting before becoming ( Victoria Erickson) and I have every intention in defining myself through my own becoming.
I am discovering who I am and learning to find peace in the rain. I want to hear thunder and remember myself for the distance I have travelled. I want to taste the rain, be completely and irrefutably surrounded by the lightening and feel the blessing of the storm. I know that I have finally understood myself only through the process of healing after I destroyed everything I was. The storm I felt took my away for the my blog, my routines that I have become so attached to and I felt like I was losing myself. Losing everything I had built up, built up on my own. I learnt to love the beauty of loneliness and the charm of self-discovery. Where I get to curate my own dreams, own my own beliefs and defined the boundaries in which you exist. Marianne Williamson wrote “it takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self-discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives”. I have experienced the pain of realisation when your old self and my new self collapsed and battled for existence. With the recent events, I can tell you it was hard. It is hard to walk away from the only future you have ever seen towards a path not yet curved out. I see the mountains ahead and I know it is only myself I need to conquer to reach the top. They say the best view comes after the hardest climb and I intend to see for miles when I reach the top. I am going it alone with no safety net to fall into and I am no afraid of leaving my comfort zone anymore. There is a fire inside me that has been reignited by my accident and I do not wish to stand still anymore. The world is far too big to stay in one place and I want to remember what it is like to feel alive. I want the butterflies, the uncontrollable laughter, the adventures, the surprises, the deep emotions, the health debates, the sunday papers, the good coffee, the dirt tracks, the star grazing and the persistent smile. I want more than my previous self would ever contemplate because I am just starting to recognise my reflection in the mirror. I am learning my strengths and the depth of my rabbit hole. I know that I feel emotions more than others, I feel everything. I connect with everything in this world on a level that some cannot even consider and ever wish to explore.
So in a really long winded way, I am here to stay. I am taking more time for me, my blog, my life. I had a taste of who I was before my accident and what I would accept and how I would compromise based on my shortcomings and deficits and I no longer allow myself to accept this. I want the most out of this life and I know I cannot make everyone think and feel as deeply as I do. Daniel Saint would say that this is my tragedy because I understand them and they do not understand you. I no loner feel the need to be understood or validated. I just want to feel openly and deeply without compromise. I am falling in love with my life and I hear the bellow of the thunder and I am ready.
Thank you for your patience,