Come and sit with me for a while and let us talk. Talk about our rabbit holes and complex hearts. I want to ask you if you felt fear when you entered your oblivion. Did you know how far down you would go? Do you know you are not like an ordinary world? Do you embrace your madness and live contently in another dimension? Do you have time for things without a soul? Do you love deeply without compromise?
I never realised what a big deal it was to want to find someone who wants to hear about all the head that go on in my head. To want someone that perceive my neurotic tendencies and passionate ethos as two of my biggest strengths. To want someone that is intrigued by my rabbit hole without a trace of fear. To see me in the middle of my chaos and 100 mph thinking winds and still choose me every time over someone who is “easy” or “unornamented”.
R.M. Drake wrote “your gorgeous chaos was a danger to my beautiful ordinary life, and I knew that. Then suddenly, we became beautifully extraordinary together.” I read his words as if they were written with me in mind. For the deep desire, I have to hear words like this tumble out of my inamorata’s mouth and inspire her to feel so deeply for me that she propels into alexithymia. I want to be the rush of blood to the head and the smile that even the Cheshire Cat would be envious of. Most of all I want to be understood. I am not to be judged on the chapter that you have stumbled across, for I am the experiences of love and loss, opportunity and regret and first, second even third chances. Don’t just make me laugh, try and understand why I smile. Don’t just tell me I am beautiful, for that is easy, I challenge you to make me feel it. I challenge you to empower me, to decipher me and knock down my walls. I promise you that if you do, the best of me is yet to come. I want to be your favourite daydream, I want to love unconditionally without the darkness of my nightmares. I want to try again with love, to give my heart away without the guarantee of a refund. I want to no longer cage my heart and search for the vices that undoubtedly lay deep enough within all of us.
So Alice if you can see me in my rabbit hole, let’s have that tea party. Let’s get lost within the chapters of our love story until our last pages. I will be rough with you in so many sweet ways and I want to feel your fire. I have been cold for so many years. I am choosing to no longer want the oasis-like feeling that I have come so accustom to. I crave the touch of your love, deep down in my core, for your words to ignite my own fire, for the residency you will take in my head rather than the crossroads. And when I meet you, I want it to be clear that despite neither of us planning this, once we met it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. I want to fall hard and fast without needing to breathe. I want to fall into you, a complete mess and stay lost in your arms.