Finally home from London. What an incredible weekend. I walked 27 miles in 3 days, took some photographs that I am really proud of and discovered more about myself. I pushed myself everyday, I scared the crap out of myself and loved the other side of fear. I took myself out on a date in Covent Gardens, was flying solo at a gig and dance all on my own. I went to a meetup event in Soho and rocked home at 2am. I went to a houseplant course and spoke to absolute strangers. I have never felt so out of my comfort zone but at the same time, so comfortable in my skin. I felt the vibrations of the city and every heartbeat from inside me. I was proud to say “table for one” and I took myself wherever my feet led me. I walked the long way round every time and truly saw the beauty of the scenic route.
One big surprise of the weekend was having my hotel room upgraded. The receptionist at the hotel I was staying at asked me if I was alone and after I agreed, she swapped my room for a riverside view suite and threw in free breakfast. I don’t know if she could read my face or empathised with me, but her kindness was worth more to me than gold. I have never had anyone do that for me and it meant so much to me. I couldn’t be more grateful for that than this weekend of self-care. Kindness was definitely the tone of the weekend.
At the gig, which was amazing, I found myself standing at the top of the o2 (section 421, row r) and dancing away. I didn’t find myself looking at the seat next to me wanting the young lady who was unknown to me to magical transform into anyone. I was happy to sit there and enjoy music that I has always spoken to me. Kygo’s lyrics have always hit home. One song in particular got me. It’s been on repeat since I left London. Permanent. The song is called permanent. Ironically, it’s about a temporary feeling of permanence, that in one moment, we could feel so certain.
All of today, I have sat and listened to this song. I do this sometimes. I press repeat until it’s not a song anymore, but instead a feeling, a meaning. It’s like I listen the song until I completely process that feeling and then it’s done. That song representing that event and it’s meaning entirely. This song, it’s meaning, the purpose was led me to my self-discovery. I have said before to people that I have a fear of uncertainty, I just don’t like it. But I think that may be wrong. I admit I don’t like uncertainty but I can sit in it. What I have discovered about myself is my fear of permanence.
All of today, I have digested this. I realise nothing feels permanent to me, I make sure of it. Everything can end, everyone can leave, people do leave, I leave. I am so afraid to loss again that I avoid permanence at all costs. My father died when I was 18 years old and I’ll be honest, he gave up trying. He stopped trying to live, we as a fracture family were not enough, I wasn’t enough to fight for. Ever since then, I have lived a good life. This is not a sad story but more of a self-realisation. I have an amazing life and I would not change anything, but I have realised one core underpinning to my life. It’s not all together. By this, I mean that I have friends everywhere who make up my board of trustees but not one of them gets to see the whole picture, I have not set up a home somewhere, I have not had a lasting relationship. I have collected moments that are once were’s and not are now’s and will be’s. I have literally avoided permanence in every area of my life.
I am an intense person. I have been described this by people I first meet and those who knows me well. I am intense because I want the feelings without the duration. I want to feeling everything but without the fear of loss. I want to have it before it feels permanent. I actually want the forever to exist within a day. So I push for it, I over text, I call, I follow my feelings impulsively. I do whatever to show a person that in that moment, they matter to me. That they have my attention. But it’s all temporary. I push people away to check their commitment status to me. Are they just wanting to rent or are they looking to buy? I am so afraid to loss again. I would take rejection, uncertainty, dislike, anything over permanence. I chase highs because they don’t last. I have friends everywhere because I haven’t settled anywhere. My best friend lives 3 hours away so when we see each other we “really” see each other and then go back to our lives. My favourite animal is a jellyfish – they drift through life without a second thought. I read romance novels because I vicariously but temporarily live with them in their stories. My career means that I engage with people and then when we finish, I don’t see them again in that capacity. My whole adult life has been built on temporary permanence. My “so called” loves have been built on this and I don’t think I even truly loved them at all, except one.
There is one who’s love has never faltered, never left, and I have never doubted. Her love for me is so permanent that I think she could be the love of my life. Her permanence scares me so much that I run. I run hard and fast in any direction that isn’t towards her. I have pushed her away more times than humanly possible, challenged her in every way, dated other people, fuck got engaged and still she looks at me and says “I love you.” 7 years and she has never left me, she has never taking her love away, she was never temporary. I have never felt so much love by anyone, including my father, as I do from her. Letting her in and having her stay would be forgiving my father for leaving. It would be accepting permanence into my life once and for all. The thing with her, is that I didn’t see her coming. She wasn’t intense, we weren’t intense. We were growers and I let us develop over time. Without realising it until this moment, she may actually be the only person I have ever falling in love with. She sees the whole picture, she gets my story, and as a result, she is permanent to me. She has been for years. I know she always will be. Having her love me is one of my greatest achievements in life. She is so beautiful as a person, a fucking nightmare (we both are and even worse together) but her heart is in the right place. In the end, I know that I am so lucky to be loved by her.
However, I have to let her go. We have to let each other go. We have agreed that we cannot be together. We know that we are that tragedy that people love to read about. We are throwing our fate to the stars and believing in “what will be, will be.” We hold no reservations and have no contact. We are strangers again. We are no longer certain and I am scared. I am casting off and soon I won’t see the shore, I won’t see her.
So, in light of this self discovery, I am going to start becoming permanent. Because the only thing in my life that is permanent is me. I am going open that saving fund for a house, sit in the excitement and not follow my heart impulsively. Setting sail, all eyes ahead, I am going to learn to wait it all out. I am going to stop rushing for tomorrow and enjoy the view today. I am going to set up my roots and be permanent to people. I am going to enjoy my job because I love it. Most of all, I am going to acknowledge this core concept in my life and challenge it only when I need to. I don’t need to change my whole life, I just need to tweak it a bit. In terms of next steps, I am going to look after myself first. I am going to let go of my fears and I am going to put myself out there for me, work through my mess. I am setting out on a new adventure and we will see where the winds take me. I am raising the anchor now with tears in my eyes. Time to change the track, don’t press repeat again, it’s done.
Cast off, just let go Ivy,