As the snow is still coming down as it has done all day and the day is drawing to a close, I have had time to think today. So much time to myself. I updated my bullet journal (see below) – I ended February and started March. I reviewed my goals and my progress and closed the door on another month of 2018. I am proud to say that I have somewhat shifted myself this month, I am breaking new ground. I realise that I think so differently to most people, so deeply, so connected to my decisions, my mistakes, my path, that every step has meaning. I have a intoxicating belief that I can dream outside of the lines and be the different and right now, I am starting to see myself in the distance. I am liking the frame.
There is something about a new month that makes me feel so able. So able to do things, to set new goals, to feel like progress is possible. I reread my old blog posts a few nights ago, just the recent ones, and I can really see the journey I am coming on. Progression has taken the shape of a white page and thousand of words. I put the two quotes pictures above in my bullet journal as a reminder of my purpose, my journey for me. This got me thinking, feeling like I have had the whole thing the wrong way round. I feel like I am so far from anywhere I have ever known, but heading towards home. I look around and see new surroundings, I see no faces, no crowds but yet all looks so familiar. It feels like the opening seconds in the final hour. It’s so beautiful out here, alone, it’s quiet. It’s calm. It’s spacious. It’s untouched and undiscovered. It’s a fresh layer of snow on a tainted road.
Above all else, being scared, worried, uneasied, I’m excited. I followed this road I am on because it felt connected to my purpose in some way. It wasn’t a randomly selected left or right, it felt somewhat paved. I was naturally drawn to it and it just required some courage and a deep breathe. London was incredible. Truly eye opening. I pushed myself to the edge of my own cliff and willingly jumped into the unknown. My youth came rushing back to the surface and I felt so fearless. I walked for miles. I sat at lunch in the sun and wrote one line “remember these moments.” I want to remember sitting in that sit, hearing the street player singing, and looking at the empty chair opposite me and loving its lack of shape. I loved that moment, I want to write a book of those moments. I want to take mental pictures of those moments and let that be a playground for my daydreams. If I think about it, no one remembers the miles I have walked in my own shoes so I am going to make it the best god damn story for my bedtime reading. I am going to replace my fears with curiosities and let my heart do the talking. I am going to stop pulling myself out of the good thing, the chances I get and not let my decisions keep me up at night anymore. I want to look at my journal and say where to next heart? Everything is worth it when you are the one buying the shoes. Make it count. Make it all count.
I was asked at the weekend who I wasn’t. I was talking to a woman and she asked me who I wasn’t. I didn’t know how to answer that as I am so sure of who I am. The only thing I could say was “I am not ordinary and I am not what I expected.” I wasn’t expecting to be this person, to have this path. I may not be the girl you see first but I am the one in the corner dancing to her own tune and I didn’t even see you come in anymore. I’m not watching the door for the next best thing or someone new anymore. I’m done looking around to be saved, validated, felt to have meaning. I have all that right now, here alone, armed with a smile. Please don’t think that I am arrogant or lonely, I am neither I promise you. I am just particular with who my drawbridge is lowered for these days. I am trying to make sense of my soul and just need to protect that space for myself right now. I am made up of the complicated and the unfamiliar with a dash of unwavering passion for life. It just takes time to understand it. To weasel out the doubts and find myself again.
I’ll get there, I am getting there, give me some wise words world,