First thing is always first, this week has been hard. I don’t really know why but I have self-sabotaged myself more than usual. Maybe I have felt myself doing too well, feeling too good about myself, maybe reality is about to hit me in the face. I’m just not sure. But to be honest I haven’t wanted to delve too deeply into my thoughts, I haven’t wanted to see what really might be there. That I feel like I have such a long way to go. I don’t want the magic wand yet, I don’t even want an easy road. I just feel exhausted. Fighting urges the whole time and self-striving is hard work. It’s constant and tiring. So I gave up on myself this week a little, no, I think that’s not fair on myself, I just took my foot off the accelerator this week. I thought I was ready for autopilot and I realise I am no where near. I’m not ready for that.
So after tears and mascara stained cheeks, I stopped, I stopped my self pity this morning. I stopped my vicious self-destruction circle. I stopped being the cause, the red button, the just because’s that I hate. I turned off my alarm, I snoozed until I was ready to get up, I made breakfast, I put my “fuck you” playlist back in repeat, and yes my playlist is actually called fuck you, and I gave a damn about myself again. I told myself stop and I saw the other side of the coin.
I saw my coffee pot. Hahaha okay that sounds so strange, but I saw my coffee pot. I thought about my morning routine and how I had and make a pot of coffee every morning. It’s a big one and I fill it with my favourite coffees and it’s all mine. When I stopped pressing the red button, I realised that I have my coffee pot and it’s all mine. I always get the last bit, I always get to press it, I always get to another cup. It’s all mine. And this morning, I saw the pot and thought “win! I will have that second cup!” No guilt, no shame, no sharing. It was all mine and it was so incredible when I realised that. I really do take that for granted.
This led to a bullet journal update session. I updated all the events and things I have to do. Wow! I am busy! I mean like busy busy. Maybe even warranting a third busy. But I like being just, they are all my plans, things I WANT to do, not have to, need to, have been requested to, nothing. It’s nothing for anyone but me. I realised this life is not a race, I don’t have a clock I am racing against, my time isn’t borrowed, it’s not for someone else to dictate. My time is my own to fill. What a beautiful thought. I turn left when I want to, shuffle right when it suits me, and even head out to head home when I am ready. I am happy. I am not ruined. I am not a failure. I am living even when I am just wanting to get through the day. I am declining offers when I want to be at home, I am being unavailable, I am showing myself the door. Life is looking better, it’s looking better without self-stressing behaviours. It’s looking like my favourite shape on my favourite colour, with my favourite blanket.
I need flowers, I want flowers in my room, I deserve flowers so flowers will be purchased. And I’ll get the good bunch. The pretty ones. Maybe carnations, as it’s not peony season. I like having the coffee pot to myself, and I like that I buy my own flowers. I’m not helpless. I’m solely surviving. So watch me go pick my favourite bouquet out.
I see the stall, got to go, flowers to purchase,