Good Evening everyone,
On this New Year’s Eve Eve, I wanted to share a quote that has really hit home this week.
“Be the change you want to see in the world” – Gandhi
I read the Queen’s 2016 speech earlier and it was clear as day that the message for all of us is that we need to be the change that we wish to see. We each are responsible for the state of this world and collectively we can make a difference. However, this requires each of us to bear the weight of our decisions. This year has been interesting and although I am not one to talk about politics – with Brexit and Donald Trump becoming president both occurring this year – it is hard for me not to feel driven to do more with my life. To achieve my dreams, to do more with my time, to be the best version of me.
Morgan Harper Nichols says that…
“When you start to feel like things should have been better this year, remember the mountains and valleys that got you here. They are not accidents and those moments weren’t in vain. You are not the same. You have grown and you are growing. You are breathing, you are living. You are wrapped in endless, boundless and grace. And things will get better. There is more to you than yesterday”
I read this and feel compelled to go be the revolution that I have always needed but waited for someone else to give it to me. My relationships have always been hard and temporary due to my expectations that “I cannot fix myself” and “they (my partner) are my best feature”. Inevitably, it was never going to work out with any of them. I dated people who possessed the qualities I wished to have. However, this year has previously posted, has been all about embracing. Embracing my qualities and developing a love for myself. Through this, I have been able to let go of my demons and my precious haunts that cast shadows and dimmed the light on my path ahead. I let that happen and I was wrong. The change in the world starts with my world.
Last night, Liv and I watched…(cheesy Christmas film alert!) the Holiday and besides absolutely adoring this film, I found myself taken it in with new eyes. Arthur’s character says to Iris – “You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake!” – and this is so true. I want to be at the helm of my own life and finally, I am. My accident has taught me to love me above all else. And then, like magic, when I was least expecting it, I met Liv. She showed me whole love and I found that she pushed me into the spotlight and was proud to be by my side. Not that I haven’t felt this before, but, it was that I wanted to be there. I wanted to stand beside her not behind her. I wanted her to love me, as flawed as I might be, as unattractive as I sometimes (always) feel and as unaccomplished as I think I am. I let her accept who I actually was without feeling the need to over-emphasis my qualities and try and “sell myself”. As I finally realized something. To believe that I must hide all the parts of me that are broken out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room. It’s to believe that I am undeserving of the skin that I exhibit every day or that the stars stop shining on a cloudy night. Instead, I just realized that I do not simply settle, but instead, strive for extraordinary, for I feel extraordinary. I feel more than others. I feel everything more and I see the depths of the oceans within a puddle. If you had to know one thing about me, it would be that I feel the edges and the details of things that others do not even acknowledge. When I get close to someone, I feel their happiness and their pain and I demand depth. In exchange, I give exploration, endless questions and pure love for every day. This kind of love commands a certain type of person. Someone who is content with themselves but does one’s utmost to be their best version. They know themselves and their passion is their beauty. It’s true when they say, a smile and positive vibes are the best accessories anyone can wear. In addition to this, I think it’s only fair to say that one’s ability to simultaneously be content within their means and capacity to increase their aperture and see where they can go is a rare quality and I am fortunate enough to find this in not only Liv but more recently, myself.
I don’t think I love very many things but there are certain things I do love:
- The first sip of coffee in the morning
- The passion in someone’s eyes when they talk about their love
- Reading someone else’s words and finding a connection with them
- A great book
- An old song that feels like home
- Seeing your friends and picking up where you left off
- A smile shared between lovers, friends, family that says it all
- A new dream that provokes motivation
- The satisfaction of knowing that I am forever growing
Our time in this world is brief, but beautiful, even if it has ended. Even if it will never be retold that space was occupied by us. In the end, I am grateful to be able to look back and reflect on the changes I have made and the distance I have come. I am grateful for the wonder I have witnessed and the love I have shared with all of the collaborators along the way, both past and current. I am just thankful to have shared any time with you at all. Be your own limited edition and let others witness your infinity. Show your boundlessness and go way your heart takes you. Your voice, your mind, your decisions. Your life is your story. Be your own leading lady.