I found myself going out of my mind this morning with a contentment. I feel so relieved, so fresh, so able. My room is just simply and beautifully me. And here I am sitting in the middle of it feeling like I have finally found myself again. I reflect on my many years of maladroit living and suddenly I feel like home. At peace.
I think about those I have crossed paths with and feel like I want to eat glass at moments. It feels cold and unfulfilling to think that I was half of a problem that I couldn’t fix. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a safety net around me. Four wall to bounce my emotions off of. A containment that holds my crap whilst I tackle the world and then come to rest my head. The fact that I made a positive connection to the very thing that broke me and saved me in the first place is unexpected – especially when I have been so unable to forget you. Two years soon and you have not left my mind. Will you ever just be an inanimate object again? Or will your significance always linger around me? I don’t mind if you stay.
I look out of my window and I see activity in the pub outside, I see the clogged turning, the pace flowing. I like this space where I can feel reflective of it. I can see things more clearly. There is my reading corner where I sit in the evening and fall into my new character where I love and lose with them. My plants that bridge the gap the walls creates. My painting the takes me to my successes. My cameras that I have used to show the world my viewpoint. Is all here with me and brings me to life. I spent so much time here partly with my housemates but mostly alone, reading and building myself again. And this morning it makes me feels so content. So incredible lucky to have the journey I have had. The good and the difficult – it is all worth it in mornings like this.
Now, time to get up
Have a good day
Hello old friend,
I sometimes find a pausation when these isn’t a warning sign in sight. A spanner gets thrown into the works due to other’s inability to shoulder uncertainty or blame. Or even to see the view from the other side of the bridge. It’s like a whip of cold air on a waterfront when I feel lost in my vulnerary reflections. Your words, resembling those from a domineering enfant terrible of an otherwise picture perfect moment, cast doubts and leave me standing without an alibi. Do you demand such control within all the games you play? And does this still feel virtuous to you?
I watch the waves crash and burn consistently and wonder how that much the resilience feels. Does the ocean ever depend on the rocks to break into drift? Or does it just exist alongside? I find myself enviously watching the water and wondering if I could be ever be so bold, so thought provoking and so beautifully decathected? I have fallen apart so many times without a safety net and always decided that it was easier to depend on myself than let others in. I didn’t think that I didn’t need anyone, because I do, I like people’s existence in my life. Instead I just got habitual about it – and it got easier to turn off.
However I did not bank on a beautiful thing to resemble my reflection. I did not think that I would be looking into the faces of my housemates only to see them pass me the mirror instead of the iconic lines. We sat in the lounge and they gave me the only tool I needed – myself. They came into my life as collateral damage when I blew my own world up. And just like that, when I wasn’t looking for a beautiful thing but merely a solution, I found them. I have learnt that the idealistic isn’t the necessary. Sometimes the best things are found without a search light. I stumbled into my safe haven only needing a bed and gained a home. Gained a family outside of the restrictive titles. My habitual nature varnished as beautifully as a fading light and I knew I had stumbled upon something special. I suddenly didn’t feel the need to have any answers and bend until breaking point but merely the confidence to hold myself. I found strength in my small army and got back up again. It all felt like a momentary slip, the blur of the days, months gone, my head cleared. I didn’t feel alone or afraid to be brave.
I think back now to the waves and realised the the water isn’t a Lone Ranger but a collection of appointees comprised of a heartsome nature. My own formulation of strength tainted the view of what was actually there, deciding that my mindset was objectionable evidence.
So thank you both for being the difference. For being the beautiful thing I didn’t see until I was standing in the dark.
“Letting the generations find common ground bridges the foreseen gaps”