Always make amendments with your mother. Don’t ever not argue but always say sorry. For your mother has demons you will never know about and has lost battles that have gone unspoken. She has given you life when she could taken it away and she loved you before she knew you. I am blessed to have a mother that has never left my side from my days (years!) as a troubled youth to me coming out as a lesbian. She continues to be my ventilator through every emergency. She has saved me from myself and the bitterness in this world. God I love her. If you do anything today, buy her flowers, pick some flowers, make a card, but a card, get her a new book, pick up a used book, write her a letter, call her and say thank you. Just do something. Loving yourself means loving your own. #showingmyappreciation
There are two kinds of people in this world: ones that will try and affect you and ones that effect you. People’s negativity will try and affect you. Alysia Harris once said ‘The moment you feel you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away.’ Surround yourself and interact with people in ways that affirm your worth, respect your feelings and honour who you are deep within. Today I learnt that I am worth more than lack of time someone is prepared to give me. The other type of person in this world will effect you. Their presence and desire to be a part of your life will make you realise your worth without having to ask for you. If you do anything today, think about your relationships, the choices you make and the friendships you build. Just think about it. Don’t just affect people’s lives, effect it.
So I did it. I sent off my PhD proposal and all I feel is pure euphoria. Whether I get it or not, I did something with my whole heart and give it my all. I saw it through to completion and worked me butt off for it. So what if I fail but seriously, what if I fly? What if I get it? That’s my biggest dream come true! I deserve this as much as the next person. My celebration is a hot chocolate in my mug mug, in my favorite pyjamas with Rupert. Absolute worth it.
As much as my accident as hindered my from work and limited my ability to do things, it has enabled me to apply for my ideal PhD. If you know anything about me, it’s that I believe in the silver lining more than fate itself. There is my silver lining in all of this. I am so grateful for the time to be apply to apply my whole heart to this. And I was apply to do it in the comfort of my bed. The featured bed in this post is my bedroom at night. This is the heaven I create every night to project my creative and myself. As crappy as my days get, this is the one guaranteed thing that will always happen. I put my lights on and no matter what the weather my own starry sky Takes away my worries and my fears. The pain of the past and the unsecurities of the future. My place of safety, where that very dream of doing a PhD was made.
It is said that Truman Capote wrote his great novels (breakfast at tiffany’s and in cold blood) in bed – completely horizontal with a cigarette and coffee. The coffee would switch to tea, then sherry, then martinis, as the day wore on. He wrote his first and second drafts in longhand, in pencil. And even his third draft, done on a typewriter, would be done in bed — with the typewriter balanced on his knees. You have to find that place that brings out the human in you, put soul in you and love in you. Where you fall back and regroup in a matter of minutes or hours and you dream the wildest of dreams and when you wake, those are the plans for reality. By creating that one place where you can rest peacefully then you allow your imagination to map out your future. So big and so wild that the vorfreude makes you want to jump out of bed each morning and chase it like a sunrise. Weirdly, there are those night were sleep did not seem to make it onto the agenda. The hours between 11pm and 5am can either make you feel like the entire ocean in a drop or – worse – a drop in the ocean. Either way make your bed and your room – your throne. And if you find yourself up at 11:59, then I will bestow some advice ( a quote that I was given by a good friend) that may help. Read and retread the following to yourself until you believe it:
In one minute,
sixty seconds or
sixty thousand milliseconds
today will be gone
and today is yesterday
and tomorrow is today.
What a beautiful concept,
that something can pass
ever so quickly
and we never give it
a second glance.
Think about it.
All of the things you’ve
the lists you’ve made,
places you’ve been,
things you’ve touched,
songs you’ve heard,
conversations you’ve had
will soon become a memory,
or even worse (or better),
it will be forgotten.
Lost amongst your yesterdays.
Today has arrived.
When your alarm goes off, wake up, get up and get it sorted. Yesterday would be allocating anymore time to you, so stop spending your todays ruminating in it. May your coffee be served hot and your smile by worn boldly.
Knowledge is a weapon. I intend to be formidably armed.- Terry Goodkind
Starbucks has kept me going today. Wish my courage
Today is the day that I am finishing off my PhD proposal. Nothing massive……just the only most important proposal of my life. No pressure. No pressure at all.
To be honest, I have been putting off writing this proposal for about three weeks. I have picked it up and put it down a hundred times and looked at it and done the bits I know I can do (personal statement and timetables) but left the research part until now. Why would I do that? To be honest, I think I am battling my inner demons (Miss no confidence in her abilities and Mister fear of rejection). They have been my toxic best friends for years! Each morning, I wake up, best intentions in my heart but sit there thinking “How can I do this? Why should they pick me? Do I really want this?”I have all the answers in my head but actually writing it down is a difference story all together. Getting it out of my dyslexic head and onto paper in a logical order just doesn’t work for me. So I am at the Battle of Waterloo with myself. I mean it is so simple to be afraid. So here I am, afraid and sharing my fears with you. Wish me courage.
“There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure, but I don’t know many of them.” —Sylvia Plath
Since my accident, I have really discovered the pleasure in having a bath. The filling of the tub, the water around me, the heat that surrounds my body. But more importantly, setting the scene. It is actually important to light candles, find your favorite scent or flower and add them to the room, leave your phone at the door and escape into your thoughts and dreams. I promise you that whatever and whoever is needing to get in touch will stay be there 20 minutes later. It is important to take time for you. I have always made myself so available and God was I stressed all the time. I think if I am not available then my friends won’t like me and someone may not want me anymore. How wrong have I been!!
The first thing to go when I am stressed is my “me” moments. Whether it be mindfulness, clarity, organisation, whatever you do in your moments to get through the hardships, don’t stop just because you think it is not important or won’t make a difference. My dear you are wrong. You are the most important person in your life. This is something that it going to take a long time to sink in and believe. I am mine before I am anyone else’s. I need to continue to nurture myself, love myself, work on my flaws and celebrate how far I have coming. Stop being over critical on myself. We are all guilty of it. I think sometimes people in this world (that a big generalisation I know) need to open their heart to the kindness and love that is out there. Be grateful, be kind, be the best version of you. The bitter ones need someone like that the most.
Smile even if you really don’t want to. Trust me, you will be surprised of the impact it has. Take a bath and refocus. Count your limbs and realize that you are breathing. Take your book and challenge yourself to read a chapter before you get out the bath. Stop disregarding yourself as an irrelevant fact and realist you are worthy of happy thoughts and good things. You are enough. Make time to show yourself that.
I made a Pinterest board for bath heaven ideas, my own “me” moments and projects to try. I’ll keep you posted (http://pin.it/NyZgnts). Likewise, what makes you relax. What have your tried? What did you want me to try for you? I’m totally up for any suggestions.
Now, go take a “you” moment, you deserve it,
If you build your definition of everything by the society’s standard, then this is always going to be unattainable. However, when you build your life by your own standards than everything is always an arms reach. Hard work and an unwavering desire to become whatever you wish will always see you through. So when you ask yourself if you have everything, don’t be so hasty to conform to society’s view of everything (a house, new car, marriage with kids) and write yourself off as a failure. Look within and critically decide whether you have everything you require to tackle your world and your own demons. For society will never know those battles and those are the battles where you, as an individual, will need everything to overcome. The ones that ripe you through to your core and provoke the remaking of you. Build yourself to be your own everything and nothing will ever be impossible. For when we dream we enter a world entirely of our own without the constructs of society’s view of success or everything. So don’t let society or anyone tame you and dictate what your everything looks like because they don’t see your dreams and to possess everything will mean that you have all you need to conquer the world. That starts from within and you hold the power to unlock your everything. So have you got everything?