I scrolled through social media today with all of these “fake news” site offering the answers to life. How to know it’s love. How to be successful. How to be happy. How to be the best you. I thought to myself, how do you measure success or happiness. How do you measure the quality of love you have. How does that compare to the couple that live below you in a block of apartments? The money in my bank account is not my measure of success. The smile across my face is not my measure of happiness. The best version of me is not available on some checklist. Your little articles do not attack my self-esteem.
Instead, I celebrate every victory, regardless of size. I woke up on time, I went for that swim despite my tiredness, I made that traffic light, I found a new artist I love. Every victory started with a choice to do something that I didn’t have to. For example, first week back to work and I was shattered. I did not want to get out of bed at all. But instead, I went swimming every morning before work. Up at 6am, in the pool by 7:30 am and I pushed it. Every single stroke was a choice. A choice to keep going. A decision where I said, “I did not come this far to walk away without a sense of victory.” I am, as we all are, a history of victories. We are still here and we are fighting proof that we are stronger than the warfare we have been through. There are the non-scale victories that we feel without observational proof. Improved endurance, quality of sleep, increased resilience. Those are my measures of success, happiness, and being the best me. You will see the thoughts weigh heavy in my eyes but you will see the warrior inside my soul because I am the victor of my own catastrophe. The quickest way from A to B is straight through and the soldier inside urges me forward through the havoc. I ignore the fallen to the left and right, it does not matter what they are doing. We are all on a battlefield with our biggest fears facing us. I am not here to judge your spider if you don’t judge my shark. I am not a part of their battle. I am not a saver as they are not mine. This fight is mine and mine alone.
R.M. Drake wrote, “one day you’ll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle first. and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you and welcome you home.” Well, I walked right now to my demons and they waved their white flags. Every day I go to bed with more victories under my belt. Today, I conquered another new place, solved another new problem and saw another through a new perspective. On my surface, I seem confident and armed with a shield. I am old scars from my previous battles. I am the beautifully blemished victor and I see the need for my armor. It makes me ready for battle, regardless of the requirement for it.
So here is to my history of victories. All 10,821 days that I have conquered.
At the swimming pool this week, the quote is “you cannot have a positive life and negative mind”. It’s true.
We are all guilty of talking about our problems. It’s like an addiction. When someone says “how are you?” It’s normally a reply which follows the pattern of “I’m okay/alright/good but …….” and it’s the …… that is the problems. I had a bad day and worry it will happen again, I have relationship problems, I have no time. Sound familiar? *raises my own hand*
Well let’s break the habit. Talk about your joys, your positives. Before you say something like “I’ll mess it up” or “this is too difficult”, think about this one question. Did you jump to that conclusion? Did you feelings of insecurity or fear of failure speaking on your behalf.? Have you confused emotions with facts? Probably, I do it all the time.
This year is about balance for me… I know I will not wake up tomorrow and loss my self-depreciation overnight. But what I can do is acknowledge those fears and feeling and use them to better myself. If I am unsure – go find the answer. I am not going to jump to the conclusion that I am an idiot without the evidence anymore. It’s my balance. I want a positive life so I am given up on my negative mind. I am given positivity a chance and I’m really for the win.