Starting with me

Self kindness – learning to date yourself before anyone else.

Present

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Decade of desire

Evening all,

In the aftermath of a momentous day, I found myself thinking about desire. The urge to have something, a carve. A desire can be one of the most powerful driving forces for the human race. For me, to desire something means I have a draw to something so powerful that it does not require any thought or energy. My deepest desires act as unconscious magnets pulling me back to my path and makes me utterly courageous. My longing calls to me and pulls me back for the fruitless off-piste adventures that divert me temporarily. I always come crawling back to my roots, my road, my own beaten path.

My passion and desires in life and for my career is invested with too much of my soul to be judged or handled by time-servers or anyone who has never felt passionate about something. I have given 11 years to my developing career without ever truly considering this. 1/3 of my life currently spent unconsciously but freely given to my working life. What a thought that is for me. In the pages to come, the love story that will eventually unfold, my career has always been my underlining passion. Which has lead me down the path of exploratory questions…grab a coffee.

  • Am I passionate about finding love?
  • Or am I just preoccupied with the idea of love?
  • Can anyone fill the job description of my partner?
  • Do I even want them to?
  • If I think about it all the time, is it that I am just not comfortable without it?
  • Why is it even important?
  • Why do I weigh it so heavily?
  • What is it’s purpose?
  • Am I in love with the idea of love more than someone?
  • Can I even love another?
  • Can I even love myself?
  • Do I know what love is?
  • Or just what love is not?

Now I know what you are thinking? 1) Yes I am a deep thinker. 2) Yes I am an overanalyser 3) that’s a lot of questions for this time of night. But it’s when the lights go out and the stars are the only ones watching is when my mind is most at work. I think about myself and my suffering. My heartbreak and my “oh shit, did I do that?” moments. In link with the above questions, I find myself questioning my infatuation with love – how does this all link up? Tonight whilst considering that for the last 11 years, I have built an empire of experiences and skills and become something that I have really worked for without a consistent companion being there. I can only wonder why I feel the need to feel so empty without another by my side. I am not missing any body parts, no one has or will protect my from suffering or the uncertainty I will eventually face. I can try to run from it, eat it away, cry it out of me, push it away, but I have to face it, comfort myself in it, sleep with it, become its friend and work with it to reach my desires. But do I desire to be in love or do I simple need to feel anyone next to me?

I have spent 11 years not requiring validation for my career. Aspects of it yes, I doubt my ability yes. But I don’t doubt my passion for it. That is something that I have never truly doubted, and if that’s the case, do I need to spent some much time thinking about my passion to find love because it is not lusted for so unconscious? Do I need to reconsider why I long to call anyone mine, when I don’t doubt calling my passion mine? If you cannot find the words to describe something, there is connection there. If you see something or someone and a feeling immediately presents itself, that is magic. It should always feel naturally, it should be a “hello again” and not a “nice to meet you”. When did I last really look in the mirror and say “hello again”? Not looking in the mirror styling my hair in the bathroom light, or catching a glimpse in the rear view mirror, and not applying my lipstick. When did I stop and see myself? Would I have seen the passion drain? The pressure build? Would I have seen me fade away? 11 years and I have never once faulted in my career enough to give up, but anytime with a women and I disappear like I am trying to hold onto sand. I don’t want to be quicksand anymore, I don’t want to live without substance. I want my own homegrown substance. I think it is time to start sowing some seeds and giving myself some tlc. It’s time to realise that above all else, I’ve always had had something together. I’ve looked for a constant in my life when that position was already filled. I have no desire to be ordinary, no wish to fall in line, no passion to fade into the crowds, I am not a crowd filler. I do not get measured on the spectrum of scrapping by. I like it up where the crowds thin out and the select few are found, It’s quiet, it’s open, it’s where I feel less like sand.

So what do I desire? What if I have the starting base for what I desire? If I change the viewpoint, do I see the things more clearly? Do I see me, just me and nothing but me? I think I do. I think I see a beautiful thing about to occur. I see the skeleton of past experiences, a strong backbone forming and skin looking less weathered by the storms that have passed. But firstly, deep down, I have always seen the fire burning in my core. It has been a light in the darkest days, it has been so visible in my interactions, my identity, my choices. What do I even need a you for? It should not be a need, I should need to be my need, and no one will not be my need anymore. I will be my own better half, my best accessory, my favourite thing. I will love the crap out of myself. I will be the substance that doesn’t slip through my fingers, but grips me. I will dress in desire and see my passion like my breathe on a cold winter day. I won’t let myself go.

It’s now snowing outside and I think I’ll go see what I can see. Breathe in…

Now breathing out,

Ivy xx

Page 1

Page turned and I am staring at a blank page. This page is going to be the hardest and I really hope you will never read it because this chapter isn’t for you, it’s solely for me! Where do I start? Guide my hand pen…

Okay, so here is a secret – there have been a select few times that I have grieved the loss of a relationship and actually really ever been single. There was always someone that for me to rely on. Not an overlap but just the possibility of a romance connection. Always someone to validate my existence. To tell me I am good enough. This is one of those times I am going to grieve. I am going to let myself go and rebuild my castle. I am going to add a drawbridge and a gatehouse. I am going to sit in here and play all the parts. I don’t want to world anyone is offering me, I want my own.

We all grieve differently and I need to find a way to deal with it all. People don’t like to sit with the feeling that it’s their fault something broke down. Most people cannot sit with those feelings and they do everything they can to “better” the situation to the point where they may tell you what they think you are feeling and not listen to anything you actually say. I do not sit in uncertainty well. I fully admit that. But I respect the fact that if I fuck up, I don’t have the choice and it is not for me to make better. When you hurt someone and you want to make it better, you ask them what they need and you listen. You listen to what they need and you respect that. I need to owe up to the fact that I have been hurt again and now make that work for me. You didn’t listen and you cannot sit in your own mess – I’m sorry but when she said that you would never hurt me again and that you didn’t think about it but you did it again, why should I end up with less of my own safe space. Why should my safe haven shrink? What do I really want in life? To compromise everything that I value? My privacy? My need for space? Sit in your own dirty laundry that you threw all over the floor. I don’t know if the stars will ever ship us together again but I’ll leave this one for them for awhile.

I am struggling to know how to be single, how to grieve the loss of my relationships. But I will make this work for me. If I have to sit and eat Ben and Jerry’s every day then I will go to the shop and buy it every day. I will soon hate the way I look but I will deal. If I have to swim for two hours every day, I will go swimming. Probably better than the Ben and Jerry’s idea really. If I need to throw myself in work, then at least my career will flourish. If I want to drink, then I will drink until I become numb. If I need to watch “how to be single” every night then at least I owe it. I will make it work for me because right now crying is helping but it’s not solving at thing. It won’t work forever. One step, one hour, one day at a time. I want to feel like I belong to me before anyone else and I want to love my life so much that I will struggle to want to share it. I am so keen to give it away to anyone that I don’t think I truly appreciate it.

I am kind, I am honest, I am beautiful, I am engaging, intense, hard working, reflective but I want to feel that more times than not. I want to see the benefits of my experiences. I want to work hard at myself for my own rewards. This site is for me, these words were never for anyone’s eyes. For anyone’s approval or disapproval. For anyone’s judgemental nature. Chapter one, page one, and let’s start with a courage step. I chose to let everything go. My father, my losses, my rejections. I will not hold onto this anymore. There will be no power struggle between us. I will see the written on the wall and I will scrub it off. I will write letters to myself and believe in my own abilities. I will challenge every thought I can and give myself the best hugs.

“Whatever course you decide upon there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The courage to be self-reliant is my biggest challenge in 2018. I will develop my reliance on myself to make the happy times happen. I will develop awareness of the beautiful life I have without searching for extensions. I will look inwards for the answers. I will let myself be my worlds greatest. I will let anyone observe for the sideline and wish their for in the game. I will let the critics have their say and I will have the courage accept the difference in opinion. Watch this space because it’s about to get interesting. I am about to grow.

I’ll be the writer from now on,

Ivy xx

Courage

365:365

“And just like that, a year of highs and lows, heartaches and daydreams felt like it all existed in one single moment”

365:364

“Deciphering your art is as beautiful as looking at a painting by Picasso”

365:363

“I’ll listen to her frustration whilst I love to watch her roar”

365:362

“Life was easier when I didn’t have to push my own swing”