Silence is golden

Good midnight all,

It’s half past one in the morning and the world is sleeping. It may not be evident by my quality of writing but I am indeed awake. So awake that I cooked (warmed) some poptarts up and have been sitting in bed thinking about my life. Why does my brain feel it appropriate to switch up the gears now? Was it the coffee? Was it the over played repeats of past interactions? Is it the worried of what is yet to come? Maybe it’s the poptarts? It’s chocolate by the way.

They say silence is golden, but why does it feel so deafening tonight? Why do my thoughts play me for the fool today? This is not okay, I keep telling myself to stop thinking but I can’t. As I type to possibly incoherent post, a part of me realises that I don’t think I want to stop thinking. I have taken comfort in my own thoughts for years. I have retreated to be place, my rabbit hole for years and years. My relationships have previously taken me away but they always end and I retreat to hibernate. I hibernate until I am ready for the world to see me again. Until I feel strong and brave enough to be seen again. Tonight I reached out to the world, already knowing it wasn’t vibing with me, only to be matched with my expectation, to get a wall of silence. I felt the coldness of the moon and all of the lights went off. I have left myself outside alone but I’m holding the keys. I see the warmth of my bed, the duvet and my pillows and my fart lights sparkling at me. Oh it’s such an inviting scene. But I am still standing in the doorway waiting for something. What am I waiting for?

1:48 on the clock now and my thoughts are so fast and furious. I hear the gentle busy of a distance world outside of my walls. The rare light passing my window. I wonder what is keeping you up sir or madam? Are you driving to see a loved one? Are you going home from work to an empty home with a unsympathetic cat who wants feeding? Are you wide awake like me driving to figure it all out? Do you stop and see my light and wonder the same about me? Well let me be the mythoclast and tell you that I am just a wandering soul looking for a cup of coffee and an ear to bend. I am looking for myself in amongst the visible. If you saw you, you wouldn’t miss me but I’m not easy to spot. It’s like the hardest game of Where’s Waldo you will ever play. That’s simply my anecdata of my own situation but I ironically feel it is spot on. But anyways, I’m up. I’m awake, I’m verbally wandering the street, driving stolen cars and causing havoc on my own virtual city. I am doing all this without leaving the bed, and wow it’s a miracle – you really can be in two places at once. It’s like my thoughts have been my feet and I have walked for miles and suddenly realised how far I am from home. I didn’t think to stop, turn around, do a lap. In this moment, Forrester Gump popped into my head. You know when he has been running and running and then he just stops. That’s me, right now. I have stopped. I have stopped running and I have turned around to face the followers, the world, the miles travelled. I am looking but just don’t see it yet. I need to stop looking so hard, so deeply, so frantically. I need to merely observe, to stand and observe what I have achieved and not what I have still to travel. Changing direction hurts but it’s then changes you. I want to be the change I seek. I want to see the beauty in myself every damn day, not just the really great days.

So, I am buying a bike in the morning (or this week), and I am going to change the transportation. I never liked running anyways. I want to ride a pretty bike with a basket and a bell and a leather seat. I want to see the distance back in a new light, at a new speed, at a different pace. I’m crapping my pants but I am heading home. The bed is calling and I want to dream. I want to be my dreams one day. I want to say “holy crap, this is my life” and really mean it. Really feel it. This transformation isn’t going to be beautifully done. It’s going to be bunny hopped and gasping. It’s going to be the “will she, won’t she?” story! Let’s find a daisy and pluck out each petals one at a time and place our bets and who will win, just like when we were children. Will she? Will she not. Will she? While she not?

Guess what, I will,

Ivy xx

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The just because’s and the I don’t know’s

Hey all,

There is something about travelling that allows me time to process my feelings, my state of mind, my position in life and how I got to this point. That’s a huge thought for me, how did I get to this point, being in Riga, independently escaping my world for this huge one? What meant that I took this path over along?

My whole life, even from a child, I age always questioned the “just because’s”. You’ll know the questions I mean. You know, when you are younger it was, why can’t chocolate be for breakfast? I’m still unsure as to the answer as pan de chocolates and coco pops are immensely popular. FYI mom, a morning treat is still a breakfast. I’ve also been one to question the “I don’t know’s”. The ones those kids ask that Mr Google love but parents dislike. “Why do some eggs have a brown shell and some have a white shell?” Or my personal favourite “What happens when an unstoppable object collides with an immovable object?” (Cue imagine me with you – amazing film, need to rewatch that)! These questions always got answered with I don’t know darling from my mother. There are now the questions we as adults debate in pubs over a glass of wine and someone ALWAYS has to google it. Annoying.

However, nowadays, I question the bigger pictures. Why should I forgive you just because you forgave me? Why do you think that’s okay just because it’s me? Why should I be sad to be single just because society says I should be? The answer to these questions in normally “I don’t know” or “I didn’t think about it” or “just because I am sorry” or my personal favourite “I don’t know if we work anymore”. I don’t do things just because society demands that of me or all my friends are doing it. I do what I want because it gives me a good feeling or be a sue it was the right direction made by me in that moment. I behave a certain way because that was my best course of action when I considered the options. It wasn’t some rash decision just because someone said I should feel that way. I think the “just because’s” and the “I don’t know’s” are the excuses, the tickets out, the I didn’t think, maybe even the “shut ups”. The adult and parent versions of a lack of patience. I chose to think more, explore deeper and find the answers. I know myself, I am starting to do me better. Why should I do things another way just because that how it’s always been done? What am I a sheep? Why should I deny my own self-identity just because I am trying to fit in with the crowd? I am the only one missing out and I have a secret for you! The crowd isn’t that great anyways! Why should I feel bad just because you screwed up? I shouldn’t. There is nothing wrong with me. Some people may not agree with my choices and my views but that’s the beauty of society. We can disagree. My views and my choices are my responsibility. Bigger than that, my identity is my responsibility. I owe it to myself to own it. Why would anyone do them difference just because it’s easier to be a sheep? I don’t need to justify my life choices, only to myself.

So in this realisation I purpose someone to all those I know and to those I don’t know. To the girl who looked at my outfit and said you cannot wear that? To my best friend who say you’ll find someone? To my mother who I love and is truly my best friend. This is me. If you like it, the door is open and come on in. If you don’t, the door is open and I’ll let you see yourself out. If you’re sure, move out the way, you’re blocking the flow. I don’t care who you are and how we crossed paths, whether your my family, my friend, a love interest, a stranger, the person at the next table judging my coffee order, I’ll let you in on a secret, you’re not the one drinking it. No justification required here. The door is open my friend. Your choice, your responsibility which way you are going. You cannot change anyone in this world, only yourself and how you react to them. This is one hundred percent true without a doubt. This world that I have created around me is for me. My life has room for company, but not for judgements and egos. Self-preservers and doubters – I come with a health warning. I don’t cater. Approach my table with caution, I will not bend or break to mend you. If you pull up a chair at my table, don’t then ask me to join a different one. You do you and I’ll do me and we friends, lovers, strangers either work or don’t. I have flaws and I love them. They silence the haters, outweigh the doubters and stay around well after the party has ended. I like being unconventional, a dreamer, self-discoverer, it’s something I’m good at. So why do we as society think it’s not okay to be exactly who we want to be? Every person is different and for me if because I never think that I deserve them. I am starting to feel the shift in the winds. And I got some words of wisdom to share: if you cannot sit in it, don’t settle for it. Sit at your own table, start your own self revolution, be exactly who you want to be. Do it with kindness and honesty and you’ll never go wrong. Your ideal world, table, setting, whatever you want to say it is, will ‘you start with you being happy being you. So give society the middle finger because being you is so much better.

Just because it’s for me,

Ivy xx

Provoke

Patience

Faceless

Weaponisation words

Evening all,

So this evening I had a conversation that hurt. I may not always express myself clearly, more often then not but your words hurt. Words hurt. They string and left the lash marks upon my skin. Strings of words with vicious tails. When someone you know says statement that make you feel that to them, an aspect of your life is pointless, it hurts. We spend years works on ambitions because we feel it’s worthwhile, we gain sometimes from them. To have such disagreement vocally expressed at you, well, leaves me feeling hurt. So it got my thinking about views and words. The views we have, the differences it creates, the hurt they cause and the war they start. More important for me, above all else, the potential impact of my future decisions. In short, views can be changed and words don’t have to be said.

I happily describe myself as a people person. I like to get to know people, to explore, to understand them. I value the art of conversation and opinions. I value the quality that those differences bring to life. But what I don’t like is the way these words are sometimes portrayed. The words we choose to se, either flippantly or considered have consequences. I choose to see past labels with people. I dig deeper, I see the father, the daughter, the friend, the person behind the scarlet letter. I see the product of circumstance, the rough upbringing, the impossible situation, the outweighed success and the perceived picture of failure that we as individual pace upon ourselves. I guess I prefer to not see the whole person but instead the sum of their parts. I think a person is best valued this way. And when people indirectly undermine that and belittle it, it hurts. We all have views but it’s important to remember that those views are not shared and can cause detrimental effects on a person’s sense of identity. It sounds heavy, loaded, and anger, I was those things, I have those feelings, as we all do, but I hurt. I feel defensive about my life choices. I chose a complex path as much as it chose me and I love my journey.

This got me thinking about disagreements. I am the first to love a good debate. Rigidity is only based on naivety. If you choose not to flip the coin over and have a look, that’s your choice. If viewpoint could be not changed then why do government parties campaign? Why did Brexit parties tour the country and talk to people about the issues involved? A viewpoint may or may not be changed if the individual holding it decides to open their mind to it to the possible of a different narrative. I don’t talk about my job but I will say this, my job is not for the faint hearted or the narrow minded. And I understand that there are people out who decide to not agree with me. That is absolutely fine. But what is not fine is the ones that who know more and just think it okay to say statement that undermine the value of my work, my passion. It is not okay to make someone feel that their work is not making a difference just because it’s not something you would do. So to those who think it’s okay to voice those views, I have something to say, next time you don’t agree with someone’s profession, don’t you dare undermine their value in the work they do when they do nothing but support you in everything you have every done. Don’t you think the world and his wife has enough to see to me already? You are not Mr. Public and you know how important this is to me. Do not use your word as your selected weapons just because you don’t agree. Consider your choice of words and what that will leave me feeling like. When you wouldn’t say it in front of my friends in a dinner party, what makes you think it’s okay to say it to me behind closed door? I do what they do! I hold the same opinion and I value what I do just as much.

I am not the common, the sheep, or the easily lead. I have my views and I reserve my judgements until I know facts. I chose to wait for the big reveal to see what I want to do. I love that side of me. A book is always better than it’s cover and I end it’s most recent page. I wonder deeper and think bigger than most people I know. I see the world as a beautiful place and these is always time for a comeback, for a second chance. This is where you will find me, living in HD colour and seeing every hue. I chose to refrain from hurting others with my words because people can be momentary fragile, but people come back. I am not down and out, my friend, but merely finding my feet, I wonder what your world looks like in black and white with you “unchangeable views”. I won’t change my viewpoint but I’ll just change the setting.

So for tonight, I will give myself a hug, work my crap out, and give myself a break. Your views are not mine. Your words don’t have ink and will fade into the pool along with my own feelings. Diluted value within and left alone. Kindness goes somewhere, it can save a life, mend a heart, lift a dark cloud. It’s never the solution but it always helps the journey. It makes friends out of stranger and a home out of a house. It’s such a beautiful thing. My fellow bloggers, do me a favour as I never ask for them, send one message to someone and tell they you appreciate them. Say hello to a stranger or buy the next man in line a coffee. Tell me that I’m not crazy. Be the change you want to see in the world. Do anything for some one else. I promise you, it matters.

To those listening, you are more than the title given to you,

Ivy xx

Wonder

Provoke

Pillow talk

Hello world,

Today, well everyday, but especially today, I questioned voices, and why a particular voice can be so powerful even when unattached to a face or body. There is something about voices, that makes everything feel real to me. Even my own thoughts said aloud reaffirm their sense of reality, they become life and permanent. I cannot control them anymore, take they back. They demands my attention, my time, my emotions then. I never forgot things people say, the words that they have chosen to use. People think that words just come out but they don’t. You developed a vocabulary and you chose to use certain words to explain certain feelings and portrays certain ideas. Those are active choices made regularly. If you feel pressure to speak, well you are the one holding the gun. You may feel the pressure of a gun but stop holding your breathe. Your words are the only weapon you need to build or break someone. The last thing to ever fade for me were your words, your voice and not the gun you think you were holding.

But really, what’s in a voice, besides a collaboration of different frequencies with pitch changes. It’s crazy that those cords make something sound so beautiful to me. Is it the chime? The way you say my name? The emotion I feel? A combination with added bonuses? I lay at night and hear the spoken memoirs whispered between the sheets, our sheets, and I hurt. I sometimes cry. How we have fallen? I drive myself crazy that the monsters under my bed sleep more soundly than me. They rest peaceful whilst I think of things that would full the contents of their nightmares. Why those words, why these moments, why those connotations? Do you think back to your words and think “if only” or do you join my monsters and enjoy the pillow talk? Do you take the opportunity to peculate my own self worth? Do you phub my existence with your own preoccupation of your needs like you do with your phone in the middle of a serious conversation? Did you actively chose that path or did your voice habitually let that out? My voice has weight too and it’s getting stronger. I am getting stronger. I use to be beggar without feeling choice. I use to let my voice fade out like background noise.

Now, these days, it demands to be heard by myself. I hear it louder and it feels stronger than yours, or his, or those that I don’t even register. It tutti to me right now. It’s the flashlight in my darkness and my growing roots in a plant pot. The tears are drying, the monsters are becoming acquainted with my ways, soon they will be friends and their voices will be my shrink. I’ll like their range and pitch more than yours and your words won’t have the sting anymore. I will be my own intervention and you’ll think it won’t be fair but you’ll have to learn that this life isn’t for you. It’s for me, my struggles and my successes. You will see that you are just a needle and I’m the haystack. When will I start seeing this? I am the haystack. I am the substance without anyone else there. But just a note for you – don’t forget that as I outgrow the outline you have chalked up. I’m not done just yet. What’s in a voice anyways, think I may be tone deaf.

Let’s turn the volume up,

Ivy xx

Feeling permanence

Hi all,

Finally home from London. What an incredible weekend. I walked 27 miles in 3 days, took some photographs that I am really proud of and discovered more about myself. I pushed myself everyday, I scared the crap out of myself and loved the other side of fear. I took myself out on a date in Covent Gardens, was flying solo at a gig and dance all on my own. I went to a meetup event in Soho and rocked home at 2am. I went to a houseplant course and spoke to absolute strangers. I have never felt so out of my comfort zone but at the same time, so comfortable in my skin. I felt the vibrations of the city and every heartbeat from inside me. I was proud to say “table for one” and I took myself wherever my feet led me. I walked the long way round every time and truly saw the beauty of the scenic route.

One big surprise of the weekend was having my hotel room upgraded. The receptionist at the hotel I was staying at asked me if I was alone and after I agreed, she swapped my room for a riverside view suite and threw in free breakfast. I don’t know if she could read my face or empathised with me, but her kindness was worth more to me than gold. I have never had anyone do that for me and it meant so much to me. I couldn’t be more grateful for that than this weekend of self-care. Kindness was definitely the tone of the weekend.

At the gig, which was amazing, I found myself standing at the top of the o2 (section 421, row r) and dancing away. I didn’t find myself looking at the seat next to me wanting the young lady who was unknown to me to magical transform into anyone. I was happy to sit there and enjoy music that I has always spoken to me. Kygo’s lyrics have always hit home. One song in particular got me. It’s been on repeat since I left London. Permanent. The song is called permanent. Ironically, it’s about a temporary feeling of permanence, that in one moment, we could feel so certain.

All of today, I have sat and listened to this song. I do this sometimes. I press repeat until it’s not a song anymore, but instead a feeling, a meaning. It’s like I listen the song until I completely process that feeling and then it’s done. That song representing that event and it’s meaning entirely. This song, it’s meaning, the purpose was led me to my self-discovery. I have said before to people that I have a fear of uncertainty, I just don’t like it. But I think that may be wrong. I admit I don’t like uncertainty but I can sit in it. What I have discovered about myself is my fear of permanence.

All of today, I have digested this. I realise nothing feels permanent to me, I make sure of it. Everything can end, everyone can leave, people do leave, I leave. I am so afraid to loss again that I avoid permanence at all costs. My father died when I was 18 years old and I’ll be honest, he gave up trying. He stopped trying to live, we as a fracture family were not enough, I wasn’t enough to fight for. Ever since then, I have lived a good life. This is not a sad story but more of a self-realisation. I have an amazing life and I would not change anything, but I have realised one core underpinning to my life. It’s not all together. By this, I mean that I have friends everywhere who make up my board of trustees but not one of them gets to see the whole picture, I have not set up a home somewhere, I have not had a lasting relationship. I have collected moments that are once were’s and not are now’s and will be’s. I have literally avoided permanence in every area of my life.

I am an intense person. I have been described this by people I first meet and those who knows me well. I am intense because I want the feelings without the duration. I want to feeling everything but without the fear of loss. I want to have it before it feels permanent. I actually want the forever to exist within a day. So I push for it, I over text, I call, I follow my feelings impulsively. I do whatever to show a person that in that moment, they matter to me. That they have my attention. But it’s all temporary. I push people away to check their commitment status to me. Are they just wanting to rent or are they looking to buy? I am so afraid to loss again. I would take rejection, uncertainty, dislike, anything over permanence. I chase highs because they don’t last. I have friends everywhere because I haven’t settled anywhere. My best friend lives 3 hours away so when we see each other we “really” see each other and then go back to our lives. My favourite animal is a jellyfish – they drift through life without a second thought. I read romance novels because I vicariously but temporarily live with them in their stories. My career means that I engage with people and then when we finish, I don’t see them again in that capacity. My whole adult life has been built on temporary permanence. My “so called” loves have been built on this and I don’t think I even truly loved them at all, except one.

There is one who’s love has never faltered, never left, and I have never doubted. Her love for me is so permanent that I think she could be the love of my life. Her permanence scares me so much that I run. I run hard and fast in any direction that isn’t towards her. I have pushed her away more times than humanly possible, challenged her in every way, dated other people, fuck got engaged and still she looks at me and says “I love you.” 7 years and she has never left me, she has never taking her love away, she was never temporary. I have never felt so much love by anyone, including my father, as I do from her. Letting her in and having her stay would be forgiving my father for leaving. It would be accepting permanence into my life once and for all. The thing with her, is that I didn’t see her coming. She wasn’t intense, we weren’t intense. We were growers and I let us develop over time. Without realising it until this moment, she may actually be the only person I have ever falling in love with. She sees the whole picture, she gets my story, and as a result, she is permanent to me. She has been for years. I know she always will be. Having her love me is one of my greatest achievements in life. She is so beautiful as a person, a fucking nightmare (we both are and even worse together) but her heart is in the right place. In the end, I know that I am so lucky to be loved by her.

However, I have to let her go. We have to let each other go. We have agreed that we cannot be together. We know that we are that tragedy that people love to read about. We are throwing our fate to the stars and believing in “what will be, will be.” We hold no reservations and have no contact. We are strangers again. We are no longer certain and I am scared. I am casting off and soon I won’t see the shore, I won’t see her.

So, in light of this self discovery, I am going to start becoming permanent. Because the only thing in my life that is permanent is me. I am going open that saving fund for a house, sit in the excitement and not follow my heart impulsively. Setting sail, all eyes ahead, I am going to learn to wait it all out. I am going to stop rushing for tomorrow and enjoy the view today. I am going to set up my roots and be permanent to people. I am going to enjoy my job because I love it. Most of all, I am going to acknowledge this core concept in my life and challenge it only when I need to. I don’t need to change my whole life, I just need to tweak it a bit. In terms of next steps, I am going to look after myself first. I am going to let go of my fears and I am going to put myself out there for me, work through my mess. I am setting out on a new adventure and we will see where the winds take me. I am raising the anchor now with tears in my eyes. Time to change the track, don’t press repeat again, it’s done.

Cast off, just let go Ivy,

Xx

Imagination

Grasp

Being more than a moment

Morning all,

This morning whilst on a coach to the big smoke, I find myself thinking about certain people and those moments. By moments, I am talking about THOSE moments. There are always those moments in your mind that you see clearer than the rest. Where you just see that person and exactly who and what you want them to be – your future, your partner, your best friend, your life coach. It’s that moment where just in that second, they are flawless and everything you want them to be. And it’s always that moment you see when you think about them. It’s a beautiful tragedy because it is simply heaven to think about but then it’s only just a memory. It’s only one moment. It’s not tangible. It does not come back to life. It’s a replay that reach only as far as my ears but I cannot feel the warmth and it cannot hold me close.

I have a series of these in my head. Some recently have occupied my brain, some not. Nonetheless, I am a collector of the momentous snapshots before the clusterfucks. I always chose to remember those moments because I always find you there. When all of our dream make us blind, I still see you there with clarity. I find us before the stars decided where we belong. I can still reach you now that your gone in the morning.

I might be the only one in the world who collects those moments, or the only one that wants to. And no words, in any language, can express the depth of the significance that those moments hold to me. I have lost my way so many time and left behind parts of me along the way, but I have never lost those. When I am faced with a cold blank stare and we are out of time, I still get to see you in the chaos even just for a second. Whatever we leave behind, in the rumble of the now barely there memories and the spoken words that have nothing inside, I thank you for adding to my collection above all else. Even if we shall never cross paths again in that regard, you gave me the next instalment.

I don’t want to be someone’s moment nor do I want to be every moment. For now, I want to be my own moment. I want to be held onto like it matters if I am not there. I don’t want to be a filler in my own life anymore. And when I meet someone, whoever it is, I want to be the “best is yet to come” moment. I want to see those moments in your face and not the emptiness in your eyes that I have so recently become accustom to. I want the moments to include the warmth I carve. Let’s fill the show box with those and leave the clusterfucks to find themselves a new home.

But for now, I am fishing for my own moments. Behind my walls, there is so much to say and I’m not ready to pass the time without changing it all. I’m saying sorry to my own reflection and telling myself it is okay. I’m not blaming anyone else and I’m starting to see some progress. Now I’m going to grab the camera and fill the book with Polaroids. I am going to send myself out through and be scared as hell but I am going to show the world that I am made of. Look at where hiding has gotten me. I am going to let society see my substance, my depth without their pressures. I got my walls for protective and my smile for security.

Armed and ready,

Ivy xx

What’s left behind

Good afternoon virtual void,

Take that as it was intended to be, a compliment. A void is an empty space but it is also something that has no legal binding or enforcement. This space, these pages, are my dumping grounds that do not judge me for my lack of communication, my appearance, my mood. It has no demands, just limitless space solely for me. It’s beautiful and it feels like my best friend sometimes. Its funny that I found a best friend in such a void. Or this is just me finally learning to love myself? Either way, your value and simple existences is greatly appreciated.

I found this thought today when I was sitting in Starbucks in my town and planning my weekend to London. Tomorrow morning I jump on a coach to the big smoke for a weekend of self love. Just me, myself and I (and oh about 3 million strangers) in a city of dreams. The city where I stopped being my mother’s daughter, the sister, the child and I stared at the world as Ivy. I threw all the titles in a bin and said “This is me, world. Ready or not.” I felt my strength and passion for people and life grow as I shred the layers of naivety and self doubt. Looking back now, just wow! What a life I have made for myself. The things I have seen, the people I have met. I’m going “home” for a weekend like a child does when they take their school work home to put on the fridge.

This got me thinking about what is left behind after the world takes it’s pounds of flesh each day. After the light fades and darkness creeps in. Where pillows welcome home their masters and the unconditional love written all over the my walls speaks to me to say “it’s okay, I missed you.”

I see myself in all the different hats I wear on the walls – the best friend, the auntie, the sister, the daughter, the graduate, the mother to my dog. Then I see my favourite photo in a beautiful white vintage frame. I see my niece and I on the beach from Christmas just past. I see me there, the version that is still there after all the labels are removed, after the world has had enough of me for a day. I see the version that is always there but few actually get to see. I see the girl that made her own world out of the rumble of a thousand wars but a million victories. I see the girl wearing a bathing suit and smiling. Unfortunately, this society tries to make me feel ugly because it is ugly. Society is an ugly beast with a beautiful face and impossible expectations. However in this picture, I see a girl who is bigger than your “average” girl and I am smiling. I am smiling a big fuck you to society smile. That is the girl I am taking home for the fridge, the girl that will be getting on the coach tomorrow. I wear my battle wounds with my medals of honour and I don’t let the world get to close to me anymore. I cry so many less tears these days but I still pack the tissues. Society, people, supposed love stopped apologising for hurting my feelings and I stopped expecting them to change. I got the confidence to walk away from those people, those places, those ideations that left me in a rumble and I got stronger. I see all this when I see that picture. I just see me and I am doing okay.

So what’s left behind when all is said and done? Well, me. Me is the developed, refined form. Me that never tears myself down anymore. Me that goes to sleep every night saying to myself “well done and I love you.” I do love myself and I am proud of myself. I have come so far since you London. I cannot wait for you to see me, you are going to be so proud. I am more than society can handle. I will feel your touch and smile. I will be alone and I will become familiar with you again, even just for a weekend. I will fall in love with you whilst you get to know me. You will see the girl in that picture dancing on my own. There is room for improvement but I have a solid base now, I am not hollow anymore. I am substance. I am beautiful. I am proud to be me.

We all feel that we could have done something differently or handled a situation better. However, what butterfly effect would that have caused. Yes I would have been more grateful for my family, was less moody as a teenager and spent more time with my father before he passed away. But those moments taught me lessons about time being precious and be kind above all else which I may not have learnt those lessons otherwise. So instead of reliving that, I want to say well done to myself. I’ve coped well and I am still standing. Because in this society, we are all a bit too quick to criticise and find faults within ourselves. We should be taking the time and building ourselves up. We need to love the crap out of ourselves in order to survive. We need to gave ourselves a break because life is hard and it’s cold. Society is brutal and as unforgiving as the concrete you hit at the bottom. All you can do is pick yourself up, stand tall, and drown them out.

So ready or not, here I come,

Ivy xx

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