Hello stranger seems to be the only fitting introduction.
Under the cover of a darkened sky with not a star in sight, do I finally feel able to revisit you, or even feel able to revisit myself. Where have I been? Well, have you ever seen those moments on the films where the invisible cloak/mask/shield is removed and everyone sees you? This has felt like my life. I have felt like I am standing naked (metaphorically speaking) in the middle of Trafalgar Square, as I have always done, but the shield is down. My vulnerability have been exposure and the secret is out. The world is too small, I am the local celebrity and I cannot find my panic room quick enough.
By no means am I interesting enough to gain a celebrity status nor do I expect significant to ever come for my life. However the significance of this, my writings and the recent clash with reality has led to this space, my space, feeling like a cheville. A mere sentence balancing a paragraph, a gap filler. The worth of the words doubled in expectation and weighted with consequences left an ullage of intention. It just didn’t mean as much to me anymore. It felt hallow and I felt the darkness coming in for another shift.
The thing about darkness is that it is inevitable but you still have to invite it in. It’s consistency like a warm bed to me after the longest days, that’s a fact. But I still turn on a light until I have ready to feel her presence. I only sit in you, let you engulf me when I say. Tonight, I let the candles burn next to me. I have gotten replacement candles twice and I still don’t feel ready for you. I don’t feel ready to say goodnight and hello at the same time. My mind isn’t settling, my head isn’t empty, my heart isn’t quite beating. I am watching the flames dance in the breeze and praying to my own fate keeper that the darkness is not strong enough to take my light away. I whisper to the skies, “please, I’m not ready.”
Five more minutes comes – and goes – and I still feel the restlessness of the day. The flame calms and I realise that I have been holding my breath. The coffee pot is empty, the lights from those lives around me are disappearing and the darkness feels closer. It’s feels upon me and yet I still don’t feel ready. What am I fearing? What am I worried about? Your comfort has always brought my back to life. Why do I fight you? Especially when you are my best friend, my reinstaller of bravura and my blind faith. Why don’t I feel unseen with you anymore? Why do I feel the cast of 1,000 unkind eyes in blackness? Why do I feel like any of those eyes even care?
Another window gone, someone was ready to accept your presence, your purpose. I’m running out of options and your running out of time. 2am is here and your impatience to hold me is encouraging yet frightful. I can only see to my knees and you feel warm, you feel secure. Embrace me with kindness, dear darkness, that’s all I can ask for. For when I wake up, it will be light and you would have kissed me and left to work on another million people who need you all the same. You kiss my forehead and I don’t stir but I know you will be back, as I will. We will meet again and we will share the same sky, hold the same expectation and welcome each other’s existence. So I’ll see you tomorrow dear darkness. I think I may just be ready now….