Silence is golden

Good midnight all,

It’s half past one in the morning and the world is sleeping. It may not be evident by my quality of writing but I am indeed awake. So awake that I cooked (warmed) some poptarts up and have been sitting in bed thinking about my life. Why does my brain feel it appropriate to switch up the gears now? Was it the coffee? Was it the over played repeats of past interactions? Is it the worried of what is yet to come? Maybe it’s the poptarts? It’s chocolate by the way.

They say silence is golden, but why does it feel so deafening tonight? Why do my thoughts play me for the fool today? This is not okay, I keep telling myself to stop thinking but I can’t. As I type to possibly incoherent post, a part of me realises that I don’t think I want to stop thinking. I have taken comfort in my own thoughts for years. I have retreated to be place, my rabbit hole for years and years. My relationships have previously taken me away but they always end and I retreat to hibernate. I hibernate until I am ready for the world to see me again. Until I feel strong and brave enough to be seen again. Tonight I reached out to the world, already knowing it wasn’t vibing with me, only to be matched with my expectation, to get a wall of silence. I felt the coldness of the moon and all of the lights went off. I have left myself outside alone but I’m holding the keys. I see the warmth of my bed, the duvet and my pillows and my fart lights sparkling at me. Oh it’s such an inviting scene. But I am still standing in the doorway waiting for something. What am I waiting for?

1:48 on the clock now and my thoughts are so fast and furious. I hear the gentle busy of a distance world outside of my walls. The rare light passing my window. I wonder what is keeping you up sir or madam? Are you driving to see a loved one? Are you going home from work to an empty home with a unsympathetic cat who wants feeding? Are you wide awake like me driving to figure it all out? Do you stop and see my light and wonder the same about me? Well let me be the mythoclast and tell you that I am just a wandering soul looking for a cup of coffee and an ear to bend. I am looking for myself in amongst the visible. If you saw you, you wouldn’t miss me but I’m not easy to spot. It’s like the hardest game of Where’s Waldo you will ever play. That’s simply my anecdata of my own situation but I ironically feel it is spot on. But anyways, I’m up. I’m awake, I’m verbally wandering the street, driving stolen cars and causing havoc on my own virtual city. I am doing all this without leaving the bed, and wow it’s a miracle – you really can be in two places at once. It’s like my thoughts have been my feet and I have walked for miles and suddenly realised how far I am from home. I didn’t think to stop, turn around, do a lap. In this moment, Forrester Gump popped into my head. You know when he has been running and running and then he just stops. That’s me, right now. I have stopped. I have stopped running and I have turned around to face the followers, the world, the miles travelled. I am looking but just don’t see it yet. I need to stop looking so hard, so deeply, so frantically. I need to merely observe, to stand and observe what I have achieved and not what I have still to travel. Changing direction hurts but it’s then changes you. I want to be the change I seek. I want to see the beauty in myself every damn day, not just the really great days.

So, I am buying a bike in the morning (or this week), and I am going to change the transportation. I never liked running anyways. I want to ride a pretty bike with a basket and a bell and a leather seat. I want to see the distance back in a new light, at a new speed, at a different pace. I’m crapping my pants but I am heading home. The bed is calling and I want to dream. I want to be my dreams one day. I want to say “holy crap, this is my life” and really mean it. Really feel it. This transformation isn’t going to be beautifully done. It’s going to be bunny hopped and gasping. It’s going to be the “will she, won’t she?” story! Let’s find a daisy and pluck out each petals one at a time and place our bets and who will win, just like when we were children. Will she? Will she not. Will she? While she not?

Guess what, I will,

Ivy xx

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The coffee pot

Afternoon all,

First thing is always first, this week has been hard. I don’t really know why but I have self-sabotaged myself more than usual. Maybe I have felt myself doing too well, feeling too good about myself, maybe reality is about to hit me in the face. I’m just not sure. But to be honest I haven’t wanted to delve too deeply into my thoughts, I haven’t wanted to see what really might be there. That I feel like I have such a long way to go. I don’t want the magic wand yet, I don’t even want an easy road. I just feel exhausted. Fighting urges the whole time and self-striving is hard work. It’s constant and tiring. So I gave up on myself this week a little, no, I think that’s not fair on myself, I just took my foot off the accelerator this week. I thought I was ready for autopilot and I realise I am no where near. I’m not ready for that.

So after tears and mascara stained cheeks, I stopped, I stopped my self pity this morning. I stopped my vicious self-destruction circle. I stopped being the cause, the red button, the just because’s that I hate. I turned off my alarm, I snoozed until I was ready to get up, I made breakfast, I put my “fuck you” playlist back in repeat, and yes my playlist is actually called fuck you, and I gave a damn about myself again. I told myself stop and I saw the other side of the coin.

I saw my coffee pot. Hahaha okay that sounds so strange, but I saw my coffee pot. I thought about my morning routine and how I had and make a pot of coffee every morning. It’s a big one and I fill it with my favourite coffees and it’s all mine. When I stopped pressing the red button, I realised that I have my coffee pot and it’s all mine. I always get the last bit, I always get to press it, I always get to another cup. It’s all mine. And this morning, I saw the pot and thought “win! I will have that second cup!” No guilt, no shame, no sharing. It was all mine and it was so incredible when I realised that. I really do take that for granted.

This led to a bullet journal update session. I updated all the events and things I have to do. Wow! I am busy! I mean like busy busy. Maybe even warranting a third busy. But I like being just, they are all my plans, things I WANT to do, not have to, need to, have been requested to, nothing. It’s nothing for anyone but me. I realised this life is not a race, I don’t have a clock I am racing against, my time isn’t borrowed, it’s not for someone else to dictate. My time is my own to fill. What a beautiful thought. I turn left when I want to, shuffle right when it suits me, and even head out to head home when I am ready. I am happy. I am not ruined. I am not a failure. I am living even when I am just wanting to get through the day. I am declining offers when I want to be at home, I am being unavailable, I am showing myself the door. Life is looking better, it’s looking better without self-stressing behaviours. It’s looking like my favourite shape on my favourite colour, with my favourite blanket.

I need flowers, I want flowers in my room, I deserve flowers so flowers will be purchased. And I’ll get the good bunch. The pretty ones. Maybe carnations, as it’s not peony season. I like having the coffee pot to myself, and I like that I buy my own flowers. I’m not helpless. I’m solely surviving. So watch me go pick my favourite bouquet out.

I see the stall, got to go, flowers to purchase,

Ivy xx

Mid week surprise 

Hey all, 

I hope Everyone’s week is going okay. I was currently just updating my bullet journal for March when I get a instagrm notification light up on my iPad. I merely clicked on it only to find out that I won a photo competition!! I am so excited and slightly (not so slightly) in shock. 

Do you remember this photograph I took back I January when Liv and I went to the Lake District… 


Well the coffee shop there (instagram: cafe_in_the_courtyard) held a competition to capture the cafe and its essence. But of course I entered, I mean how could I not. I fell in love with this place and its carefree ways. If you ever get to go to the Magic that is Lake Windermere, I strongly urge you to go to the Claife Viewing Station and visit the Cafe in the Courtyard. The cake and sandwich always hit the spot and the coffee is great. Tell them Ivy sent you. 

Anyways, so today I found this…


What an amazing mid week surprise. I couldn’t wait obviously and told Liv. She told me that it’s clear you are a good photographer and how amazing I am as she always does. But then she told me that she was proud of me, “dead proud” to use her words exactly. I feel so grateful today, as I do every day, but especially today, I am so lucky to have a life full of love, laughter and beautiful people. 

Happy Wednesday all, 

Ivy xx

Coffee & macaroons – hello 29! 

Good morning all,

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeeeeee, happy birthday to me.

Aww what a day. It was so incredible. London is such a love of my life. I got the train in early in the morning and the sun was shining. I read some of my latest romance friction (A Weekend With Mr Darcy by Victoria Connelly). A secret love of mine- reading love stories. For work I read academic literature all day as I did for both my undergraduate and master degrees so when I read for pleasure – I love to read horribly easy reading cheesy totally cringe worthy material. And I am not ashamed. I wasn’t lying when I said my life involved around the idea of love and I fall in love with those characters and these stories. I smile at the shock entrances of Mr (or Mrs) Right, I laugh at the awkward moments, and cry at each heartbreak. I live through my heart and in every one of those stories – as I do with my Sunday Stories now. (Sorry about the tangent there)

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So, I got the train, smiling to myself at Katherine and Warwick’s first meeting in the book – so awkward by the way – as he rolled his suitcase over her foot. Cringe!!! I know he will win her back. I then put my book down and flick through my “London coffee guide” for my next victim. I chose a great place with outside sitting to enjoy the sunshine and my third love (after coffee and love itself) people watching. I scan the pages for the city area and there it is – Curators Coffee Studio. I got off the train and walk across the bridge – permanently looking right at London bridge and thinking “London is so incredible. I am so lucky.” I use the map in the book and walk up. I go inside, it’s got a cute, modern, industrial feeling and the staff are so friendly. I instantly smell coffee aromas of orange and chocolate and ask what they are roasting today. The beautiful woman says “today it’s exhibition – our own blend from Brazil with tasting notes of orange, almond and chocolate.”  Sounds to die for. I grab a flat white and head outside. It’s a business man’s side of town and all the suits are out mingling and dealing deals. I sit and watch the world go by, taking in the view. Is smiling like this all day acceptable? I must look crazy! Haha

Anyways, the coffee is to die for. It’s so smooth  and the chocolate and almond is just enough to taste. I read more of my book and an hour flies past me. I grab a bag of the beans for home and get a free coffee too. I take it to go and I wonder the street of London. I am listening to Kygo’s new album and happy birthday comes on. I smile to myself and get all giddy. If you haven’t heard of his new album (cloud nine) then go to soundcloud and have a listen for free. It’s so good. It’s chilled, relaxed, and very Kygo sounding. I love the songs oasis, happy birthday and raging.

So I wonder around taking in the hustle and bustle of London for about an hour, meet my brother in law for lunch (he is a lawyer). We go to Taylor street barista near bank, I have this incredible dragon salad with duck and pomegranate. So good and it’s amazing to see jimmy. I adore him. He treats me because he always does despite the Tyson worthy fight I put up. I leave him after lunch and head to the venue at St Katherine’s dock. I get in and there are work benches with all the ingredients laid out and this chef, ready to teach. I say hello and take a sit next to a group of girls who came together. I get chatting to them, all London girls out for some girly time.

 

“RIGHT” said chef. And we are off, sieving flour and almonds, cracking eggs, folding, beating, colouring, and having the time of my life. The macaroons are tricky not because of the ingredients, it’s the technical side of things. Chef yells “foul” if we are going wrong. I, of course, get a few fouls. But then I get them right – on baking paper ready to go. Into the oven and we are off. He asks if it’s anyone birthday and I say mine. He presents me with a special macaroon freshly made with mascarpone, peanut marmalade, chocolate and margarita salt. OMG incredible!!!
I wasn’t allowed to take any pictures but I did sneak a few. Hehe. Please don’t tell chef Chris. Before I know it, it’s five o’clock and I have mastered the macaroon. Tick to that. I grab a train home to go to the local pub and meet all my friends for a glass of wine (and another) I got cards, a Guinness and ginger homemade cake by Hannah, and an amazing scarf. Home by 11 and I am pooped. What a day. I am smiling to myself right now. It was incredible.

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So I am off to birthday breakfast with a friend and to turn 29 today.

So much love,

Ivy xx

London day :)

Morning all,

thank you all for the love and support on my Sunday stories this week. I really am overwhelmed with all your comments and emails. It’s so beautiful that we reach out to each other. You are so incredible – each of you. Thank you a millions times.

So today I am off to the capital today to tick another thing off my list to do before I am 30 – macaroon making course – I am so excited. I am up, dressed, on the train and on my way. blog post to follow – promise!

Whilst there, as I always do in London, I am going to continue my coffee-loving experience and select another independent coffee shop to try. I absolutely love coffee and I always go and support the independent ones. Their coffee tastes better and it’s important to support your community. I got given this book because I love coffee so much and I am slowly but surely working through it. I take it with my adventure to London and I am so excited to try out a new one in the city. I always grab a bag of their beans to take away with me for my home as I make fresh coffee every morning. Gosh, just writing this, and I am like a kid at Christmas. On that note I Shall leave you to it and say happy early birthday to me for tomorrow.

Have a great day all

Ivy xx

From where I sit 

The sun is shining, my laptop is charged and my story is open. I am feeling excited about this week’s edition of “Sunday Stories”. I start typing away and Rupert decides that he is a better editor than me. Well I’m sorry to say that “dhsnmjffd” is not a word that I am aware of. 

I love this little guy, he is my side kick for life and I am never far from him. He is getting me into shape and has provided me with everything I need to get through this accident and face the world. I talk through all my idea with him and he is never not ready for an adventure. He doesn’t complain about an extra lap in the woods and matches me step for step (x4 for his little legs). We have our routines, road trips and Sunday snuggles. 

I thank him for every bit of motivation, confidence, and happiness he gives me. For every ham, cheese and pickle sandwich we share on the road trips. For every time he looks at me and goes “come on mom, one more time around the block.” For every rabbit hope around the bed when I say “shall…we….have….some…..dinner.” For every lesson you have taught me and continue to teach me. 

Now, where was I…editing my Sunday Stories! 🙂 catch you later 

So much love,

Ivy xx

Coffee Mornings

And it’s the weekend…. Finally. The first week back at work has been hard but gosh it’s nice to have the routine again. And since moving, I have wanted to get out there in against society. So I decided what better way to find who I am this morning, then to go to my first “meetup” event.

Meetup is an app that is great for new people to an area or someone who wants to try something but doesn’t want to go alone! You can search for group in your area – LGBT group, dancing group, movie junkies, walking group etc. – and you can go to events and meet people. Let’s face it, people don’t really meet the organic way anymore – it’s mostly through a screen, which I have come to love the benefits of but I miss human communication.

So I went to a coffee morning, which is perfect for new members and an informal way to meet new people. I was a tad nervous, changed my outfit about a million times, but I had to go. I thought if I want to make the most of this move, really  discovery myself and find my ikigai, then I have to do this. I find a quote on Pinterest this morning before I went and it was just what I needed to build the motivation to go and do it. Catherine Saunders wrote “put yourself out there, boldly and authentically”

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And let me just tell you –  It was so great! So amazingly and wonderfully great. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming. I stayed for 2 hours and I didn’t want to leave as I really enjoyed it. I found myself smiling all the time Whilst I was there and even now just thinking about it. I came home and signed up for more coffee mornings. They happen twice a month and  this suits me great.

I am learning to take my own advice and push myself hard enough so that I find my own ikigai. I want this and I want to know who I am. Gosh I feel good today off to finish my “Sunday Stories”.

Have a beautiful day all,

Ivy xx