Silence is golden

Good midnight all,

It’s half past one in the morning and the world is sleeping. It may not be evident by my quality of writing but I am indeed awake. So awake that I cooked (warmed) some poptarts up and have been sitting in bed thinking about my life. Why does my brain feel it appropriate to switch up the gears now? Was it the coffee? Was it the over played repeats of past interactions? Is it the worried of what is yet to come? Maybe it’s the poptarts? It’s chocolate by the way.

They say silence is golden, but why does it feel so deafening tonight? Why do my thoughts play me for the fool today? This is not okay, I keep telling myself to stop thinking but I can’t. As I type to possibly incoherent post, a part of me realises that I don’t think I want to stop thinking. I have taken comfort in my own thoughts for years. I have retreated to be place, my rabbit hole for years and years. My relationships have previously taken me away but they always end and I retreat to hibernate. I hibernate until I am ready for the world to see me again. Until I feel strong and brave enough to be seen again. Tonight I reached out to the world, already knowing it wasn’t vibing with me, only to be matched with my expectation, to get a wall of silence. I felt the coldness of the moon and all of the lights went off. I have left myself outside alone but I’m holding the keys. I see the warmth of my bed, the duvet and my pillows and my fart lights sparkling at me. Oh it’s such an inviting scene. But I am still standing in the doorway waiting for something. What am I waiting for?

1:48 on the clock now and my thoughts are so fast and furious. I hear the gentle busy of a distance world outside of my walls. The rare light passing my window. I wonder what is keeping you up sir or madam? Are you driving to see a loved one? Are you going home from work to an empty home with a unsympathetic cat who wants feeding? Are you wide awake like me driving to figure it all out? Do you stop and see my light and wonder the same about me? Well let me be the mythoclast and tell you that I am just a wandering soul looking for a cup of coffee and an ear to bend. I am looking for myself in amongst the visible. If you saw you, you wouldn’t miss me but I’m not easy to spot. It’s like the hardest game of Where’s Waldo you will ever play. That’s simply my anecdata of my own situation but I ironically feel it is spot on. But anyways, I’m up. I’m awake, I’m verbally wandering the street, driving stolen cars and causing havoc on my own virtual city. I am doing all this without leaving the bed, and wow it’s a miracle – you really can be in two places at once. It’s like my thoughts have been my feet and I have walked for miles and suddenly realised how far I am from home. I didn’t think to stop, turn around, do a lap. In this moment, Forrester Gump popped into my head. You know when he has been running and running and then he just stops. That’s me, right now. I have stopped. I have stopped running and I have turned around to face the followers, the world, the miles travelled. I am looking but just don’t see it yet. I need to stop looking so hard, so deeply, so frantically. I need to merely observe, to stand and observe what I have achieved and not what I have still to travel. Changing direction hurts but it’s then changes you. I want to be the change I seek. I want to see the beauty in myself every damn day, not just the really great days.

So, I am buying a bike in the morning (or this week), and I am going to change the transportation. I never liked running anyways. I want to ride a pretty bike with a basket and a bell and a leather seat. I want to see the distance back in a new light, at a new speed, at a different pace. I’m crapping my pants but I am heading home. The bed is calling and I want to dream. I want to be my dreams one day. I want to say “holy crap, this is my life” and really mean it. Really feel it. This transformation isn’t going to be beautifully done. It’s going to be bunny hopped and gasping. It’s going to be the “will she, won’t she?” story! Let’s find a daisy and pluck out each petals one at a time and place our bets and who will win, just like when we were children. Will she? Will she not. Will she? While she not?

Guess what, I will,

Ivy xx

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Night shooting

A quick post before bed. I braved the -6 degrees weather for some night shooting and it’s was totally worth it. Will upload some more tomorrow but here is a sneak peak!

Good night

Ivy xx

Captivating

Patience

The just because’s and the I don’t know’s

Hey all,

There is something about travelling that allows me time to process my feelings, my state of mind, my position in life and how I got to this point. That’s a huge thought for me, how did I get to this point, being in Riga, independently escaping my world for this huge one? What meant that I took this path over along?

My whole life, even from a child, I age always questioned the “just because’s”. You’ll know the questions I mean. You know, when you are younger it was, why can’t chocolate be for breakfast? I’m still unsure as to the answer as pan de chocolates and coco pops are immensely popular. FYI mom, a morning treat is still a breakfast. I’ve also been one to question the “I don’t know’s”. The ones those kids ask that Mr Google love but parents dislike. “Why do some eggs have a brown shell and some have a white shell?” Or my personal favourite “What happens when an unstoppable object collides with an immovable object?” (Cue imagine me with you – amazing film, need to rewatch that)! These questions always got answered with I don’t know darling from my mother. There are now the questions we as adults debate in pubs over a glass of wine and someone ALWAYS has to google it. Annoying.

However, nowadays, I question the bigger pictures. Why should I forgive you just because you forgave me? Why do you think that’s okay just because it’s me? Why should I be sad to be single just because society says I should be? The answer to these questions in normally “I don’t know” or “I didn’t think about it” or “just because I am sorry” or my personal favourite “I don’t know if we work anymore”. I don’t do things just because society demands that of me or all my friends are doing it. I do what I want because it gives me a good feeling or be a sue it was the right direction made by me in that moment. I behave a certain way because that was my best course of action when I considered the options. It wasn’t some rash decision just because someone said I should feel that way. I think the “just because’s” and the “I don’t know’s” are the excuses, the tickets out, the I didn’t think, maybe even the “shut ups”. The adult and parent versions of a lack of patience. I chose to think more, explore deeper and find the answers. I know myself, I am starting to do me better. Why should I do things another way just because that how it’s always been done? What am I a sheep? Why should I deny my own self-identity just because I am trying to fit in with the crowd? I am the only one missing out and I have a secret for you! The crowd isn’t that great anyways! Why should I feel bad just because you screwed up? I shouldn’t. There is nothing wrong with me. Some people may not agree with my choices and my views but that’s the beauty of society. We can disagree. My views and my choices are my responsibility. Bigger than that, my identity is my responsibility. I owe it to myself to own it. Why would anyone do them difference just because it’s easier to be a sheep? I don’t need to justify my life choices, only to myself.

So in this realisation I purpose someone to all those I know and to those I don’t know. To the girl who looked at my outfit and said you cannot wear that? To my best friend who say you’ll find someone? To my mother who I love and is truly my best friend. This is me. If you like it, the door is open and come on in. If you don’t, the door is open and I’ll let you see yourself out. If you’re sure, move out the way, you’re blocking the flow. I don’t care who you are and how we crossed paths, whether your my family, my friend, a love interest, a stranger, the person at the next table judging my coffee order, I’ll let you in on a secret, you’re not the one drinking it. No justification required here. The door is open my friend. Your choice, your responsibility which way you are going. You cannot change anyone in this world, only yourself and how you react to them. This is one hundred percent true without a doubt. This world that I have created around me is for me. My life has room for company, but not for judgements and egos. Self-preservers and doubters – I come with a health warning. I don’t cater. Approach my table with caution, I will not bend or break to mend you. If you pull up a chair at my table, don’t then ask me to join a different one. You do you and I’ll do me and we friends, lovers, strangers either work or don’t. I have flaws and I love them. They silence the haters, outweigh the doubters and stay around well after the party has ended. I like being unconventional, a dreamer, self-discoverer, it’s something I’m good at. So why do we as society think it’s not okay to be exactly who we want to be? Every person is different and for me if because I never think that I deserve them. I am starting to feel the shift in the winds. And I got some words of wisdom to share: if you cannot sit in it, don’t settle for it. Sit at your own table, start your own self revolution, be exactly who you want to be. Do it with kindness and honesty and you’ll never go wrong. Your ideal world, table, setting, whatever you want to say it is, will ‘you start with you being happy being you. So give society the middle finger because being you is so much better.

Just because it’s for me,

Ivy xx

Provoke

Patience

Faceless

Vacations still need baggage

Hey all,

So I am in the beautiful country of Latvia. It’s so cold and it’s been snowing BUT it is so incredible. I will add a few photos to the post out of the hundreds I have taken! I’ve walked 8 miles today and I have popped back to the hotel to rest before venturing out later to take some night shots tonight. It’s about 4pm in Riga and I feel like it been a long day already. I started early and it was nice to get out and about. The world felt empty and quiet.

Walking 8 miles in a day isn’t for everyone. I know that. I think that’s why I love travelling alone. I am able to amble, mingle amongst the busy and let my own feet guide me. I let the music play and I wonder until I say enough. Travelling alone allows me to be the small, the unimportant, and the unnoticed. I am the shadow and the faceless. It’s gives me space to be unobserved, untested, and unaccompanied. I don’t forgot my feelings or my responsibilities, they just forgot me.

I sat in a coffee shop today (no shock there), and got my map out, spread myself across the table – maps, bullet journal, camera, hat, handwritten notes of things to do, phone, all over the table. It was my space. The waitress must have just thought “oh my god” when she brought the coffee over. On a table for four, there was no room for a coffee. I made room of course but it felt nice to have so much room to myself. Two coffees later and a day planned for about an hour, I finally looked up from my table and saw the empty seats in my booth opposite. I forgot they were empty. I didn’t mind it’s emptiness, I just noticed it. I guess by noticing it, I thought for a second what would it be like to have someone here? Would I enjoy this experience more? I know I would feel easier about going to the toilet, that’s for sure. But I don’t think I want anyone with me. The comfort with the empty booths, me sitting with three empty spaces around me lets me know I am okay with being alone. With the state of the table, there isn’t room for anyone else. Isn’t that ironic? Maybe that where I am at on a larger scale, maybe I am not ready for anyone to join my table. Not just yet.

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For now, I think that in some cases, having the what if’s are better than the have done’s. Imagination may be better than the reality of things, wishes may be better than memories. My dreams keep me feeling alive, where the memories keep me awake at night. Maybe some dreams and wishes are meant not meant to be heard. When the noise stops, would those dreams still be there? The only thing we can take from this world is the emotions we feel and the memories we have. Maybe that’s all I am meant to need in my life. I’m here, alone, in Riga, and feel powerful. I feel alive, wanderlust fuelled, and so able. I let it all go and get to smile without an audience. Nothing feels forced. I feel no pressure from anyone, I am truly single here. I am unattached to any friend, situation, family member, work colleague, even stranger. I have no one depending on me. I am totally detached to my world. Why cannot my daily life feel this liberating? Maybe that’s what this time is all about. It’s to start detaching a little and taking more time for me. It’s giving myself space to be a single entity. It’s being simply Ivy. Simply me before it’s a “we” or an “us” again. I don’t doubt that I won’t be always be alone, crap I think I am the most unlonely woman in the world. I have so much around me, I cannot feel lonely ever. And damn it, I made my world that way and proud of it. I never have been alone, I never walk in fear, I never feel the coldness. I know I have the bits that make me cry, the bits that make the nights long, the bits where darkness can be scary, but I have never stopped dead in my tracks. I always keep going, I always keep moving, one foot in front of the other for a while, but there is always movement and direction. I have the love of a hundred hearts, some unseen to this world now, but felt by few. Travelling still requires baggage, but I just carry mine better now. I hear the noise, see the chaos but feel the love. It’s never too far away. Whatever my destination is meant to be, make it a little further, I’m not ready to see it yet. I like this journey too much.

Trekking on,

Ivy xx

Noise

Grasp

Captivating

Patience

Va-cating my life

The best thing about vacations is the unreachable feeling 30,000 feet gives me

Breathing again

Hi all,

So one eventful weekend and 300 miles later, I am put the vacant sign on my door and left my little world with all of my hurt and pain behind me – at least for this week. I am come to the beautiful Wye Valley with my mother and I am armed with my camera, walking boots, my iPad, books and all my favourite jumpers. We are currently staying in a castle on the hill (cue Ed Sheeran) and realising that life can simply change in a instant.

My life is evolving and I am just starting to really breathe again. I left my perfect picture life a few months ago because it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t working for me anymore. It had a good recipe but not the right ingredients. Within a short time, my life had done a complete 180 and I find myself single, relocated into the first house share I saw, and frankly petrified. What if I had make the biggest mistake? What if I just got scared? What if my new housemates are weird? So many doubts running through my mind. And it was only when the entertainment was done, the crowds had gone and the lights were off, did I find myself alone and I crying every night. December flew by and the world didn’t let me be. The weight was heavy and I was sinking deeper. I swear Davy Jones felt my presence in the depths of December. A lifesaver saved me and the tears eventually stopped falling and I was no longer seeing the hours of 3 and 5am. But then you happened, you threw me a curveball and the chains around my ankles sunk me, the shock of the ice water reminded me faintly of the (not so distant) December. The water felt crashing on my chest and the pillows soon felt my tears once again. I saw you and I was so torn. I love you but I couldn’t feel you. You touched me and I felt like my body was fighting you like a disease. I felt so conflicted.

Now you’re gone but the tears remain, even this foreign pillow has had the pleasure. My phone has been drawn to your number so many times but the words fail to overpower my feelings. The thorns are pricking me as reminders and I chose not to want to bleed. I don’t see you calling but then why should you? We agreed on space and then why did my heart cry for you to stay the moment you left? Why do I pray that every car that passes my window be yours? Why do I wish you were my Joe Fox and I would be your Kathleen Kelly? But then I am not calling so is this just the heartbreak before the mending? I think I see you but wonder if I can see myself around you. There is so much insecurity with regard to you and the idea of an us that I cannot think clearly. Those famous words “I hoped it would be you” whispered in the final scenes by Kathleen when she realises her heart’s desire had clashed with her unknowable pride fill my thoughts. What if I whisper to the wind that I hope it will be you – will that message reach your ears and drive you enough to see you hatch an unseen plan to make sure it’s you? Do your words carry such weight or will I see those words pass by on feather in the wind as the first storm. Do your feelings for me provide you roots in the gusts or am I merely just a leaf to you awaiting a simple puff of air.

Regardless of your intentions, I am breathing and I know my tears will stop falling. I will not wait to be saved or reassured. Davy Jones will not see me again and I will not sink into his locket. My resilience runs deeply than my desires and my dear safety net will catch me every time. Today I aim to just breathe and maybe tomorrow it will be just as hard but in time I will stop being so conscious of my breathe. My days will not change dramatically but more slowly and I will recognise the difference all at once. Away for the eyes of the world, I will be the girl who dared to dream once again and have the courage to touch it. I hold myself in such regard but I know I am so afraid of tomorrow’s portrait. However, we will become familiar with each other and tomorrow will learn to deal with my expectations of it and I will become accustom to it’s existence in my life. We will work together and I will soon not only recognise but like the way you look. Tomorrow will be my favourite promise and today will be my favourite day of the week. But for now the only certainty I know and that I hold dear is the knowledge that despite the length of time between my breathes or the pain that I feel in those moments, every breathe will go and a new will come. I will continue to exchange carbon dioxide for oxygen and that’s enough for now.

With every breathe I am fighting,

Ivy xx

Dear Alice…

Come and sit with me for a while and let us talk. Talk about our rabbit holes and complex hearts. I want to ask you if you felt fear when you entered your oblivion. Did you know how far down you would go? Do you know you are not like an ordinary world? Do you embrace your madness and live contently in another dimension? Do you have time for things without a soul? Do you love deeply without compromise?

I never realised what a big deal it was to want to find someone who wants to hear about all the head that go on in my head. To want someone that perceive my neurotic tendencies and passionate ethos as two of my biggest strengths. To want someone that is intrigued by my rabbit hole without a trace of fear. To see me in the middle of my chaos and 100 mph thinking winds and still choose me every time over someone who is “easy” or “unornamented”.

R.M. Drake wrote “your gorgeous chaos was a danger to my beautiful ordinary life, and I knew that. Then suddenly, we became beautifully extraordinary together.” I read his words as if they were written with me in mind. For the deep desire, I have to hear words like this tumble out of my inamorata’s mouth and inspire her to feel so deeply for me that she propels into alexithymia. I want to be the rush of blood to the head and the smile that even the Cheshire Cat would be envious of. Most of all I want to be understood. I am not to be judged on the chapter that you have stumbled across, for I am the experiences of love and loss, opportunity and regret and first, second even third chances. Don’t just make me laugh, try and understand why I smile. Don’t just tell me I am beautiful, for that is easy, I challenge you to make me feel it. I challenge you to empower me, to decipher me and knock down my walls. I promise you that if you do, the best of me is yet to come. I want to be your favourite daydream, I want to love unconditionally without the darkness of my nightmares. I want to try again with love, to give my heart away without the guarantee of a refund. I want to no longer cage my heart and search for the vices that undoubtedly lay deep enough within all of us.

So Alice if you can see me in my rabbit hole, let’s have that tea party. Let’s get lost within the chapters of our love story until our last pages. I will be rough with you in so many sweet ways and I want to feel your fire. I have been cold for so many years. I am choosing to no longer want the oasis-like feeling that I have come so accustom to. I crave the touch of your love, deep down in my core, for your words to ignite my own fire, for the residency you will take in my head rather than the crossroads. And when I meet you, I want it to be clear that despite neither of us planning this, once we met it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. I want to fall hard and fast without needing to breathe. I want to fall into you, a complete mess and stay lost in your arms.

Until tomorrow,

Ivy xx

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