Page turned and I am staring at a blank page. This page is going to be the hardest and I really hope you will never read it because this chapter isn’t for you, it’s solely for me! Where do I start? Guide my hand pen…
Okay, so here is a secret – there have been a select few times that I have grieved the loss of a relationship and actually really ever been single. There was always someone that for me to rely on. Not an overlap but just the possibility of a romance connection. Always someone to validate my existence. To tell me I am good enough. This is one of those times I am going to grieve. I am going to let myself go and rebuild my castle. I am going to add a drawbridge and a gatehouse. I am going to sit in here and play all the parts. I don’t want to world anyone is offering me, I want my own.
We all grieve differently and I need to find a way to deal with it all. People don’t like to sit with the feeling that it’s their fault something broke down. Most people cannot sit with those feelings and they do everything they can to “better” the situation to the point where they may tell you what they think you are feeling and not listen to anything you actually say. I do not sit in uncertainty well. I fully admit that. But I respect the fact that if I fuck up, I don’t have the choice and it is not for me to make better. When you hurt someone and you want to make it better, you ask them what they need and you listen. You listen to what they need and you respect that. I need to owe up to the fact that I have been hurt again and now make that work for me. You didn’t listen and you cannot sit in your own mess – I’m sorry but when she said that you would never hurt me again and that you didn’t think about it but you did it again, why should I end up with less of my own safe space. Why should my safe haven shrink? What do I really want in life? To compromise everything that I value? My privacy? My need for space? Sit in your own dirty laundry that you threw all over the floor. I don’t know if the stars will ever ship us together again but I’ll leave this one for them for awhile.
I am struggling to know how to be single, how to grieve the loss of my relationships. But I will make this work for me. If I have to sit and eat Ben and Jerry’s every day then I will go to the shop and buy it every day. I will soon hate the way I look but I will deal. If I have to swim for two hours every day, I will go swimming. Probably better than the Ben and Jerry’s idea really. If I need to throw myself in work, then at least my career will flourish. If I want to drink, then I will drink until I become numb. If I need to watch “how to be single” every night then at least I owe it. I will make it work for me because right now crying is helping but it’s not solving at thing. It won’t work forever. One step, one hour, one day at a time. I want to feel like I belong to me before anyone else and I want to love my life so much that I will struggle to want to share it. I am so keen to give it away to anyone that I don’t think I truly appreciate it.
I am kind, I am honest, I am beautiful, I am engaging, intense, hard working, reflective but I want to feel that more times than not. I want to see the benefits of my experiences. I want to work hard at myself for my own rewards. This site is for me, these words were never for anyone’s eyes. For anyone’s approval or disapproval. For anyone’s judgemental nature. Chapter one, page one, and let’s start with a courage step. I chose to let everything go. My father, my losses, my rejections. I will not hold onto this anymore. There will be no power struggle between us. I will see the written on the wall and I will scrub it off. I will write letters to myself and believe in my own abilities. I will challenge every thought I can and give myself the best hugs.
“Whatever course you decide upon there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
The courage to be self-reliant is my biggest challenge in 2018. I will develop my reliance on myself to make the happy times happen. I will develop awareness of the beautiful life I have without searching for extensions. I will look inwards for the answers. I will let myself be my worlds greatest. I will let anyone observe for the sideline and wish their for in the game. I will let the critics have their say and I will have the courage accept the difference in opinion. Watch this space because it’s about to get interesting. I am about to grow.
I’ll be the writer from now on,